Brownness, My Past, Myself, Writing

Swirling Thoughts

i hope they serve beer in hell
Image by kangarootone via Flickr

1) Remember grabbing KFC in Iran as a weekly ritual and going to the park (5ys)
2) first day in boarding school in India, I had peed the bed and was ashamed (8yrs old)
3) arriving in london to stay with relatives with my oldest sister (10 years old)
4) driving from the airport towards my parents after not seeing them (12 years old)
5) Being humiliated in my 7th grade english class because the teacher felt my English speaking skills werent up to par, and her being unsure if I would pass the class.
6) Getting on the volleyball team and realizing I was a bench player, getting subbed in and my only shot was tipping the ball in and scoring for the team (14 years old)
7) remembering that I followed Sumita (my middle sister) into almost everything she signed up for writing class, student congress, human relations camp, india boarding school
8) Returning to india after receiving green card, and seeing my grandfather for the last time before he passed away (18 years)
9) my first published story “Rain Fire” edited by a dear family friend who recently passed
10) Winning the National Conference of Teachers of English award (included a recommendation from the English teacher who didn’t think I would pass.

I remember being empty. Time ticking away, coffee getting cold and me just empty. It’s as if I had no memories, no past. And then I remembered the no. Mrs. Maruna didn’t think I would ever pass 8th grade English class. I looked up into her unsmiling face, looking for understanding. Nothing. The redness of my shame circled around my cheeks but hidden by the browness of my skin, it just squeezed my heart and soul.

I was single, young, and horny. We chatted online for a few minutes, and after a few sexual innuendos, decided to take our activities offline and meet up. I am ashamed now at my sluttiness, and willingness to meet a complete stranger just to satisfy myself but really not that ashamed to be zooming down on the freeway to meet her at 3am. She had left the door open as we had discussed. In hindsight, it made sense why she did. I shoved the door open, immediately banged my leg on the bed, and to hide the pain told her I needed to take a shower. Perhaps my only concern for safety was to be hygienic. She was already in bed when I walked out. I climbed right in, but couldn’t quite get comfortable. I kept moving around until she asked if her leg was bothering me? Huh? “I said, is my leg bothering you?” removing the blanket to reveal a steel leg. Holy shit, I was about to fuck the terminator. My penis tried to hide inside of me. The meanness in me proved my immaturity and explained why I never again tried to hook up online.

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max

That was the inspiration for my post about my online adventure gone wrong, and while I wasnt as bad as Tucker is in his many “misadventures” with women in college, I think I came quite close to being Tucker with my comment that I was about to fuck the terminator. The sad part is that I had done a much longer graphic post mocking the girl and myself, and really made it my “Zinger” story. I usually told it to a group of new people, and usually it would draw huge laughter, but then I realized it didn’t make me look very good to my girlfriend to be. In fact, she was disgusted not at the fact that the girl had 1 leg, but the fact that others laughed so hard. That was probably the first time I realized what an asshole I came off to be. Sure, once people got to know me, they knew different. However, my choice to share this story as a starting off point really just made me another Max Tucker. And that’s not something I wished my legacy to be standing on. Especially on one leg. Yea, I havent matured much.

Myself

Legendary Acting

John Cena and Mark Henry in an arm wrestling m...
Image via Wikipedia

I don’t know what keeps me in bed nowadays. Today, I woke up at 7am and instinctively I was like oh hell no, and tried to get back on the dream train, but I had missed the stop. Instead, last nights movie (legendary starring John Cena, yes the wrestling star) played a trailer in my head, and I realized that not many people knew I wrestled in high school. Only for 1 year and I lost every single match, which led me down the path that I also played junior high volleyball but I was on the Junior Varsity team. I had the urge to be part of team sports and had dredged up enough athletic ability to actually make the team but not enough talent to be any sort of meaningful contributor.

There was a particular wrestling match, I remember. I had lost 7 matches, and I was pitted against someone who had 8, had in fact not won any in 2 years (found this out later), and we went the full time and I lost by a decision by 2 points. My closest defeat was to someone who had never won. Telling in some ways of my life for the things I want.

I woke up today and I realized that I want to be married and have kids already. I am 38 years old and divorced, a broken engagement and currently in a 3 plus year relationship to a truly beautiful girl, and I am starting to feel like the old wrestling me. Yet, there was a moment in the movie where at the end, the main character goes against someone 26-0 and manages to lose by 1 point in a decision. Yet the defeat was met with cheers and hugs from the audience because the long-lost brother was the coach who happened to be a wrestling superstar.

Right now, I feel like the lil brother, and my family as the superstar, and preeti my match to lose yet still win in life. A fact that has become more important every day after my recent stroke which made me realize, I don’t want my current life anytime, I want the one I have been dreaming about. Perhaps that’s why my body wont let me sleep anymore. Its’s time to stop dreaming and start acting.