I’ve decided I want to blog more. Rather than just thinking about doing it, I’m starting now. I will be posting on this blog once a day / once a week for all of 2011.
I know it won’t be easy, but it might be fun, inspiring, awesome and wonderful. Therefore I’m promising to make use of The DailyPost, and the community of other bloggers with similar goals, to help me along the way, including asking for help when I need it and encouraging others when I can.
If you already read my blog, I hope you’ll encourage me with comments and likes, and good will along the way
The flick flack flickers of my dreams woke me today. I tried to grasp onto their meanings but for a moment just marveled at how deep my sleep was. It was as if I had not slept before. The kind of dreamless dream-filled sleep where flashes of faces and thoughts drain out of your mind as you try to grasp what exactly your brain was doing. You want to believe it was just a thoughts dump because some of the faces represented the anxieties of my world but also regret perhaps you were meant to remember but somehow failed.
The images of talking to Preeti’s dad evoked my dread of the long-awaited conversation of what next? Flash of Gurjit crying reminded me of Tejpal’s as well as the death of the normalcy of my life and of the challenges ahead. Still I dived in these murky as my heartbeat slowed, well aware that the heat of the blankets told of an intense and long sleep. The room become brighter as if to mark my awareness. No longer did I want to ignore the idea that I was awake, instead I fished for more.
I marveled that I only had one drink yesterday yet told everyone I had two. Why? I wondered. What was it about being in certain crowds that made you want to be an overachiever in an activity designed to kill brain cells? What was it about social discomfort that made me want to grasp to the one liquid that could return me back to feeling like everything was ok temporarily. How was it different from my dreams?
Then it hit me. While I thought about last night, the dreams had made their escape. It was as if I had been purposefully distracted so they could go to their secret hiding place. My breathing slowed, the blankets cooled, I reached for my phone to get my daily Twitter and Words with Friends fix and the dreams went further away and suddenly the urge to write feels silly and trite. I am left holding simplistic words and thoughts rather than the deep implications my dreams carried. Conned, once again by my mind, I reluctantly came to my page and had nothing to offer except the memory of my dreams gone.
I closed my eyes, and nothing came save for the feeling of betrayal I caused myself.