Starting weight: 214 (day 1: forgot to mention measurements, this will also keep me honest)
Arms (16 left, 16.5 right)
Thighs: 24, 24
Today’s Weight: 209!
So I have decided to weigh myself in the mornings and I thought (still think) that the new scale is broken because it read 209.1 (how’s that even possible?). I did drink over 2 liters of water which led me to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes (and I wonder why no one talks about how urgent urination becomes when you drink so much water). I am constantly worried about pissing my pants (doh!) and whether I am eating enough protein. Since I have done Atkins before, I am not as bothered by the diet although to be safe, I am just eating Beans and chicken since my cholesterol is a bit high.
Lunch: got greedy and ordered 2 fajita salad bowls with double chicken, double black beans, double peppers, all the salsa and guacamole. Only managed to eat one bowl from Chipotle
Second Lunch: 2nd bowl of Chipotle Fajita bowl
Dinner: Protein shake, 10 oz water, worth about 20 grams of protein.
I haven’t decided if I am going to post daily or weekly (probably a bit of both) as I am determined that once I hit the 20 pound loss group, then I hit the gym because my end goal is to be in the best shape of my life.
No wonder, I have been stuffed all day, and oh yea, a HUGE first for me, coffee with no sweetener (that’s probably the only thing I miss). Bye, ByeSplenda and Agave, I think I can do without you.
So I took some notes as several friends and family have requested what the diet consists. I am following the Four Hour Body by Timothy Ferris, and the first step of the diet is by just doing this diet, you can lose 20 pounds in 28 days. The next step after that is to exercise if you want to lose more or exercise, diet and supplements to get a kick ass body in 6 months.
I am on Day 2 and so far it hasn’t been too old as the diet is pretty similar to the Atkins diet with one major exception (and why I love it), it has a cheat day where you can eat anything and everything you want and that actually makes you lose weight even faster.
So with that put aside, here are my rough notes, but I highly recommend you buy this book, it’s easy to read and in less than 100 pages can explain what you need to do to lose 20 pounds ASAP.
Four-Hour Body Diet
1) Get Body Circumference to get Total Inches Before
a) Four locations: Mid Bicep Both Arms
d) Mid Thighs
2) Avoid White Carbs: All Bread, rice, cereal, potatoes, pasta, tortillas, and fried food with breading.
3) No Fruit, drinks 1.5 Liters of water a day. No dairy
Today was one of her good days, and the old beautiful smile of hers returned as well as the desire to put something of substance in her stomach instead of my constant pleas to eat. I also learned that the fear of the many horrors they told us about had not manifested yet, and I thanked God for the break in schedule. Instead of a full week full of anxiety dreading the side effects, we got a small dosage of what was to come, and for that I am thankful.
I have much to learn that much I realize now and accept. While a chance comment from one of her dear friends that I was a “robo husband” hurt my feelings for a second, the reality was that it hurt because it was true. I am constantly struggling between being a caregiver rather than a caretaker. I know for her what’s more important is not someone who can attend to all her physical needs but someone who can replenish her with love and care (a gentle reminder from another good friend of hers).
I am not going to lie, that’s exactly what I am scared of. Between constantly wanting her to be comfortable and trying to provide her all the comforts of the world, I am worried I am not up to the task, that what I am doing is hollow and meaningless. This is no longer someone who is sick, but my wife and we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. What scares me is not knowing what will happen, and when the side effects will take form and then it hits me that I am again failing to be in the NOW. I cannot control what she will go through nor can I stop the process. And then it hits me that I have to be full myself before I can empty myself into her. I need to do what makes me, ME or I will just remain a caretaker.
I know she knows that I love her deeply but the reality is I need to show it more than just feeding her medications at the right time or filling the fridge with her favorites. I have to stop being robotic or worse just a caretaker. I also see now that is how I am dealing with her pain, by compartmentalizing her into a schedule which does not allow for her to express her emotional pain and frustration. I have to let her have the slice of pizza without the admonition to not put red peppers on it or take her medication as I scheduled. I just have to let her be, let her get it out, whatever she is feeling because the cancer is not just physical, it’s also taken over her mind. I cannot be a Robocop, not allowing her to go through all the motions she needs to in order to get a grasp of what has happened to her.
As I struggled with my guilt, I received a wonderful email from a stranger who encouraged me to go on, to keep on writing to figure out what we are going through and suddenly that one page email reminded me that I have all the tools to make her get through this and that is through friends, family but most importantly me (as self-important as that sounds).
And so a week ends, and we begin anew again tomorrow. I think I know what I must do, and for now that is enough.
To the nameless friends and strangers who gave me the idea for this post: Thank You.
It is quiet in here. Wait, that;s not exactly true, let me rephrase. It’s quiet enough that I hear the satisfying click of words being typed on this page. So different type of quiet. If I strain enough, I can hear the dog gently snoring in the next room, moving occasionally to get more comfortable. There’s not enough light in my room or life now to brighten my writing area so I have resorted to turning on all the lights in the house yet 500 watts still seems dim. I may never brighten.
Sat and struggled with the final piece for my writing class, and realized the fight was not based on what to write, or how to write but if I should. Bulb went off in my head, and the words materialized below
The room was quiet except for the noise of cancer in our lives. I opened my eyes, and felt strange and unfamiliar until I realized I was staring at the ceiling. I had been sleeping for over 5 hours. My mind had lied to me. My heart pounded for something selfish and non-existent. I had dreamt not of my love but of myself. The smug clock said 7:16 am. Nothing chirped but it felt like it. The bathroom dripped some watery noises as if digesting a bad meal. Darkness was losing its daily battle to the sun, yet still had strong footholds in the distance. I looked upon her not five feet away, surrounded by confident machines on a bed not meant for resting.
Cancer is the body lying to itself. It is perhaps one of the few illnesses where the body will destroy itself by creating so much of itself that the body cannot contain it. Physically, the cancer had grown in her body, but it had infected our lives. I was no longer disoriented, but disillusionment filled our room. I hoped the room would spin again, and perhaps I could enter the darkness and pretend that it was I lying on the bed and not her but dreaming did not make reality.
I gazed at her, willing her to breathe. Breathe away the anger, the past, the arguments, and the many wasted moments regretting what was not to be. Breathe in the love surrounding her. Breathe in thoughts that would remove the enemy in her. I wanted to take control of her body so it could get angry at the unwanted stranger and calmly ask the perversion to leave. I lasered my thoughts on to her, but the quietness of the cancer had already enveloped our lives. Breath.
In just 2 months, the life I knew has been obliterated. I search for the words to express that, but besides pain there is nothing. Actually. I wish there was pain. Just numbness. I sit here in a daze, not writing particularly well just thoughts and emotions fighting with God asking why her? What has she done to deserve? Is being with me so bad that she had to be punished physically?
No one’s saying it to me, but they don’t need to. I feel it. I know I am being watched with the wonder, did the constant stress of being in this relationship cause this? What other explanation is there for someone so young?
Praying to the God so frequently that now only word goes out to him: Please. As in, please change this. Please stop this. Please fix this. Please cure her. Please give it to me. Please stop. Please forgive me. Please let me take this on. PLEASE.
Nothing else comes except the numbness, wishing her pain was mine, wanting her life to be mine. She doesn’t deserve this. No one does. Why her? Why not me?
I look up and hear nothing. Please. Nothing.
Life as I know it is over. Nothing remains. Just the pain.