My Past, Myself

Three Words

A hoodie with the University of California, Lo...
A hoodie with the University of California, Los Angeles trademark. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


I don’t know.  The three words I can always count on in my life. I have struggled with who I am for the longest time.  I think that the only time I was sure what I wanted to be was when I won a writing competition in high school (the NCTE) that allowed me acceptance into UCLA. After that, it was one giant slippery slope.  I became unsure if being an English major was enough, then got caught up in promoting and creating events in college (South Asian Youth Conference, Bruin Bhangra,etc) , and I thought I had a knack for it. My family couldn’t afford for me to go, so I took on being a dishwasher as well as doing dorm security to make tuition. I became even more confused. Did I want to just become a write? How will I survive?  So I added Political Science as well, because I thought I was special and could do both. That added another year so I took almost 5 years to graduate.

I still think that college was perhaps the best time of my life because it allowed me to almost figure out who I am, yet in some ways it spoiled me. I avoided real life, and so after college I took on Americorps and ended up in Lexington, Kentucky where I tutored juvenile delinquents in English for a year. Again, I got busy in volunteering, and not really facing myself.  After coming back, I somehow decided on law school at the Southwestern University School of Law, but not in old program, the SCALE program, the only 2 year law program in the country at the time.  I decided to go with being unconventional because it allowed me to avoid real life. So went the story of my life, yet I also know I am not being fair with myself.  I make not knowing seem a bad thing, but what I really mean is my hunger for knowledge has never died.  I like to think it keeps me young. Sometimes saying “I don’t know” is also saying “I want more.”




Slippery Slope

Cover of "Getting Things Done: The Art of...
Cover via Amazon

It’s a slippery slope some times to get back to an old life with new promises and ideals when more than anything else, I want to avoid some things that were not good.  Before getting sick, I was unmotivated, unorganized, stuck in a daily battle of some sort or another.  Back in the reins of work, I realize that just have a to do list is meaningless when the list is not producing, it’s just a list of things meant to fill up the day. ((Taken from Getting Things Done by David Allen)

I realize now that it takes work getting organized, and getting the most out of my routine.  No longer am I bored, but I have to be careful not get overwhelmed and there are so many things I want to achieve.  From the one to one class, to the ADP training to doing more in HR, I know I have lots to learn but more so than that to DO.  The learning part is almost easy and even fun, but it’s the implementation that’s tough. I am still in that mode of surface satisfaction rather than the deeper dive into getting better.

I keep forgetting to breath, to let go, to not get lost in anger (she can attest to that) or lost in the details of accumulating details and tasks and asking myself where is it that I wish to end up?  That’s the real question, the only question really.  So I need to keep climbing that slope knowing that some days I will slip back into the mud but other days, I will be free.