Starting weight: 214 (day 1: forgot to mention measurements, this will also keep me honest)
Arms (16 left, 16.5 right)
Thighs: 24, 24
Today’s Weight: 209!
So I have decided to weigh myself in the mornings and I thought (still think) that the new scale is broken because it read 209.1 (how’s that even possible?). I did drink over 2 liters of water which led me to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes (and I wonder why no one talks about how urgent urination becomes when you drink so much water). I am constantly worried about pissing my pants (doh!) and whether I am eating enough protein. Since I have done Atkins before, I am not as bothered by the diet although to be safe, I am just eating Beans and chicken since my cholesterol is a bit high.
Lunch: got greedy and ordered 2 fajita salad bowls with double chicken, double black beans, double peppers, all the salsa and guacamole. Only managed to eat one bowl from Chipotle
Second Lunch: 2nd bowl of Chipotle Fajita bowl
Dinner: Protein shake, 10 oz water, worth about 20 grams of protein.
I haven’t decided if I am going to post daily or weekly (probably a bit of both) as I am determined that once I hit the 20 pound loss group, then I hit the gym because my end goal is to be in the best shape of my life.
No wonder, I have been stuffed all day, and oh yea, a HUGE first for me, coffee with no sweetener (that’s probably the only thing I miss). Bye, ByeSplenda and Agave, I think I can do without you.
So I took some notes as several friends and family have requested what the diet consists. I am following the Four Hour Body by Timothy Ferris, and the first step of the diet is by just doing this diet, you can lose 20 pounds in 28 days. The next step after that is to exercise if you want to lose more or exercise, diet and supplements to get a kick ass body in 6 months.
I am on Day 2 and so far it hasn’t been too old as the diet is pretty similar to the Atkins diet with one major exception (and why I love it), it has a cheat day where you can eat anything and everything you want and that actually makes you lose weight even faster.
So with that put aside, here are my rough notes, but I highly recommend you buy this book, it’s easy to read and in less than 100 pages can explain what you need to do to lose 20 pounds ASAP.
Four-Hour Body Diet
1) Get Body Circumference to get Total Inches Before
a) Four locations: Mid Bicep Both Arms
d) Mid Thighs
2) Avoid White Carbs: All Bread, rice, cereal, potatoes, pasta, tortillas, and fried food with breading.
3) No Fruit, drinks 1.5 Liters of water a day. No dairy
I know how that bird feels. Sometimes. all we can manage to do is keep ourselves dangling on a small branch just so we don’t drown. Much like that bird, I felt alone and surrounded by weak branches that looked like they could not hold my weight but they can as the bird proves. We do not see the deep roots or the strength these branches have under the water, and perhaps we are not meant to. We just have to have faith that they will help us survive.
If you have read my blog, you know I have struggled often with my conflicting thoughts about friends and family. From wanting No! demanding love and attention to anger and sorrow at seeming indifference. I cannot read minds, so I used the actions or lack of actions to speak to me. But then it hit me that I made this about others when it should be about me, us, what we need now and going forward. The ones that care will be there, and the ones that don’t either fake it or just pretend all is well. Either way is fine, but I know I need to put some things to bed, that some friendships have run their course while some are just beginnings and others getting stronger. I cannot pick which is which, the reality being that whatever is meant to be, is.
That’s the tough part knowing that what perhaps what I did either contributed to the demise of the friendship or made it better. Either way it keeps coming back to the same idea: you cannot force what’s not there, and whatever is meant to be will happen, and it will happen exactly the way it’s going to happen. The what if’s, the would’ve, could’ve lay by the wayside. The hurt will be there for now, but I forgive myself first and then others for causing it. The only thing I am sure of now is that I have to keep moving. The ones that want to be along for the ride will climb on board, the ones that do not will either say they meant to come or pass. Whatever they decide is by me. I cannot no! will not force them.
I have a new life starting soon as husband and wife, as brother-in-law, and a son-in-law. My main goals are to make my family stronger, spend more time with loved ones, and to keep writing. The rest will sort itself out. I have faith in this ride called Life.
Yesterday, I leaned into it. Myself that is, the minor irritations, the anxiety about not writing, the deadline to get the assignment done even half-assed. I acknowledged I was hooked, leaned into it, took 3 deep breaths, and relaxed, actually that’s not quite accurate, I actually enjoyed and appreciated everyone, the Natural warmth came out right away! I spend an interesting hour talking to my father in law, getting to know him, another with her best friends about the day, and what they were up to, and for a while, it almost seemed like a party in the Oncology module. We ate with her, and laughed and although Kaiser nurses especially seemed intent on kicking us out of the treatment every 5 minutes, the time we all spent together made the 5 hours go by quickly.
I could not believe how generous everyone with their time and spirit. From someone driving from the Valley just to drive her 5 minutes, to others coming right after work, and one even skipping work to come spend time with her. As I relaxed, I saw the true warmth and openness of others, and I was ashamed at my earlier reactions. I leaned into that, breathed it in, recognized it for what it was: hurt at feeling alone and just plain loneliness. I lashed out for no other reason than because it was easy to do, and I felt better temporarily. So now I work on pausing, leaning in, taking the breathing in and just relaxing and letting go.
Thank you, Pema Chodrom, your book Taking The Leap has touched my life.
thank you all for your texts, calls, Facebook messages and prayers for her as we go through this very difficult time. I do apologize if I hurt any of you in any way. I hope I can fix that, and know that you are all appreciated for all that you have done and will do.
The house is quiet, the window open and I can actually see my neighbor’s house next door. Funny, in the past 5 years we have barely said hello even though we live 10 feet away from each other. It’s moments like this that makes me realize how much of my world is present to me yet I am absent from it. Reading the book Taking the Leap by Pema Chodron (thank you Santoshi for this amazing gift!) has made me understand that I am have been asleep and letting Shenpa (attachment or being hooked or stuck) rule my world. It’s as if I am all reaction even when I try to slow down. At some point, the apologies have to desist, and real action has to take place. I need to practice the 3 things we all carry: Natural Intelligence, Natural Warmth and Natural openness. I know that there are things I need to do especially towards a few people who have hurt me deeply unintentionally. As much as I talk about real friends and family, I know that I need to have a conversation with those dear to me. I see now that I am pushing them further and further away by not opening up to them and letting them know that I need them in my life. Too often, I have let my ego rule my world, and while it has proven satisfying for the moment, like poison ivy, that satisfaction has spread the rash all over my mind and soul. In my quest for the temporary release, I managed to do some long-term damage that I may never be able to repair.
I have the ready excuse that my wife has cancer, or that I am recent stroke victim, yet I know that I have made this all about my pain and myself in general. Shit happens. Life happens. Get over it. Actually, I don’t mean that in an angry way. I am just tired of fighting, of alienating people, and hurting the people close to me. I see now that I need to be better, do better, be the person I can be. I have let my emotions become me, and that has led to me being even more alone. So I need to follow the 3 steps (easy to describe but extremely hard to do). 1) Acknowledge that I am hooked, 2) Take 3 Deep breaths and lean into the energy, experience and taste whatever it is, take it in the waft of anger, pain, hurt, breathe it in, make love to it, play with it and then Step 3: Relax and Move On. Again, I come back to the realization and advice to STAY PRESENT, BE AWAKE.
It is so easy to drift, to dream, to look at the past, the future but so incredibly difficult to experience the Now. So now my birthday resolution makes sense now because writing forces me to stay present, to observe, to relish the moment, lean in experience it whole-heartedly. But, (and there is always a but). I know now how much I am loved, and how much I have hurt others. However, no more apologies, just being present, using my natural intelligence, warmth and openness can now save me. In other words, be who I am, not what others want me to be.
Sitting amongst the scattered poker chips, with the sun drenching the room as well as my soul, there is a sense of fulfillment that I have not felt in ages. Nothing like a birthday to simultaneously make you feel old as well as loved.
Books sit around me. It’s the second time since I built my library that I am actually writing from here. The light is just dark enough so there is no glare , and I feel a sense of peace. As much as I fought the idea of writing in a closed room, I had dismissed my book palace too easily. Sure, I notice dozens (ok maybe closer to 100) of books I meant to read, others that I have merely perused and then others I have repeatedly broken open. If nothing else, it makes me even more determined to write and read more. To love and be loved more. But most of all, it makes me value my friends and family even more. The ones that matter always seem to appear without needing an official invite. The ones you have to send a card to or constantly ask for a response are just temporary guests in my life, and thus not deserving of my time and attention. If I have to explain to you why you should call or visit me, then perhaps you never were a friend, but a temporary placeholder. A time pass. Thanks for the good times, and the commercial break but now the real program’s starting.
Last night was a culmination of sorts as the many friends and family in my life came together to celebrate not just my birth but a new beautiful new relationship. Not just of friendship and family but of new beginnings, and suddenly nothing seems impossible. In just one day, I was surrounded by so many loved ones, I can’t believe I actually believed/felt alone. So I sit here, bathing in the sun as well my good fortune and suddenly, nothing seems impossible.
Nothing like a birthday and an amazing party to know your real friends and family. Thank you.