Confusion has become my best friend. I realized this today as I tried to figure out a to do list for my life and while some things appear quite apparent and perhaps even clear, I scribble away that clarity with more to dos, more “gotta get this done”‘s and suddenly I am back to the uncertain Sanjay, the one I vowed to eliminate.
Yet the glimmer is there, I see myself a different person, the one getting things done the way I want them done, only if I knew what they were, and then it hits me that perhaps its not just confusion, its part laziness and a big dose of fear.
I am scared of making changes in my life because the status quo has been going on for so long. And then I realize the silliness of that and I am struck at my own confusion about what it is that I really want.
I want to eliminate my debt, something I am afraid to admit openly considering how much I make. I know that previous comment witll come as cocky to some but the truth of the matter is, I have silly debt, debt thats holding me back because its from my past and it represents my failings as a better person. I know the uncertainty is there that if I manage to eliminate my debt yet again, I will create another hole.
And there lies the crux of the problem. In the process of cleaning up my life, will I clutter it up again with useless material things and lack of focus?
And thats the question that eats at me while I strive to go the gym, manage my expenses better and prepare to marry the love of my life.