Myself

Confusion-A New Blog Post

Confusion has become my best friend. I realized this today as I tried to figure out a to do list for my life and while some things appear quite apparent and perhaps even clear, I scribble away that clarity with more to dos, more “gotta get this done”‘s and suddenly I am back to the uncertain Sanjay, the one I vowed to eliminate.

Yet the glimmer is there, I see myself a different person, the one getting things done the way I want them done, only if I knew what they were, and then it hits me that perhaps its not just confusion, its part laziness and a big dose of fear.

I am scared of making changes in my life because the status quo has been going on for so long. And then I realize the silliness of that and I am struck at my own confusion about what it is that I really want.

I want to eliminate my debt, something I am afraid to admit openly considering how much I make. I know that previous comment witll come as cocky to some but the truth of the matter is, I have silly debt, debt thats holding me back because its from my past and it represents my failings as a better person. I know the uncertainty is there that if I manage to eliminate my debt yet again, I will create another hole.

And there lies the crux of the problem. In the process of cleaning up my life, will I clutter it up again with useless material things and lack of focus?

And thats the question that eats at me while I strive to go the gym, manage my expenses better and prepare to marry the love of my life.

Myself

Lucky Sanjay

What is it about a night spent with great friends, awesome food, and a 80s style arcade game that can make one feel that life just isnt that bad?  And it isnt.  It really isnt.  Thats the thought I carried when I drove over to the gym, and then for the next 35 minutes, life just suddenly felt doable, no actually just great! 

I dontk know why it took so long for me to get into a rhythm where I just ask myself, what the hell was I so reluctant for?  Why did I wait so long to just be happy with myself?  Why did I resist going to the gym or even really just reaching out?  And for a second there, I was blank (hard to imagine, I know), but then I realized, I was afraid.  Afraid of letting down Preeti because we couldnt go the gym, afraid of admitting to friends that today just wasnt that great of a day. To even admit to myself, that I should a lot happier, I have all the toys and the money in the world.

And yet somehow, it just didnt seem like much or perhaps enough.

It hit me then that I wasnt allowing myself to feel rewarded because somewhere in the back of my mind, there was feeling I should still be paying for my past sins, my ego or a mixture of both. 

I stopped  promising and rewarding myself a long time ago.  Instead, I just wandered through a haze of alcohol, gambling, and fighting, never asking myseldf: why the hell was I doing to myself.

But friendship and love didnt give up on me.  Together, they decided that this Sanjay isnt the one that they know. 

They are right.  Thank you friends.  And ofcourse and always, Preeti.

I love you both deeply.