Say Jean-Baptiste – Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

I hate when I have to learn from repetitive mistakes. It seems pointless, even hateful that I continue to make mistakes that seem so clear AFTER the fact. Yet, that is how we get better, grow and perhaps at some point stop making those mistakes. I never thought I would stop making mistakes, but I did expect that I would get better. Well, so much for that notion. It’s not even the continual mistake that I am sorry about, but the fact that I let someone down who expects me to rise above being my usual self. I am too caught up in my pain to see theirs. Too self-involved. Too hurt. Too deep in my self-pity. Too everything as long it involves just me, me, me!

Yet, all those are rationalizations. They are nothing more than excuses after the fact. I am at a loss as to how make the person feel better, and that could lead to even more mistakes. I thought I was better than that. That I could learn at any age, and be a better person. I know I can, yet I also have to deal with the aftermath of my carelessness. It wasn’t meant to be spiteful but leaving someone alone in their time of need can feel that way to the person. I was recently told to become more aware of what I say and I do, ad I have to say I still have a long way to go. I am still too often on auto-pilot, and saying and doing things that are completely unnecessary and hurtful.

At this points, words are the assurance I feel I can offer someone, yet even I know that is not enough. It is time for action. Sometimes being and acting sorry are not even close to being enough. Sometimes you have to be an adult!