Randy Travis – Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog

Cue Simran from the Tuhi Tuhi app. I am absolutely in love with those words. They bring me peace. Well at least on most days. “You have scored below average on some key areas of your memory and reason” the doctor explained calmly over the phone to me yesterday. I still hear echoes of it. Me? Below average? It can’t be. Over and over. Below average in 3 out of 5 main areas of memory. He went on for 15 minutes, but I couldn’t tell you what he said. I could blame that my short-term memory which has declined as per the doctor, but it’s more likely that I felt defeated in that moment. 3 months of meditation, BK Shivani, Babel.com, Lumosity.com, reading and exercise seem to be all for nothing, I could explain that my reason has declined as per the doctor, or that I have a hard time visualizing places, things and events making it hard for me to remember directions or recent events or people. I could just believe I am below average. Keeps echoing. Almost at pace of the simran in the background… Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale out.

My stroke and brain surgery had taken a part of me. I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel alone. I cannot be below average. That just is not in my vocabulary. Fuck you stroke. Fuck you brain surgery. YOU. WILL. NOT. TAKE ME. I will not allow you take anything of mine anymore. You won the first and second round, that’s all. Last one is mine, or I am going down swinging. You will not take me dignity. My creativity. My reasoning. My love. My family. My friends. My reasoning. My words.

Tuhi Tuhi. Waheguru. I have faith. I am the creator of my thoughts, feelings and actions. They make my destiny. Anger is poison. Anger destroys. Relationships, will, love. I know that. I will not bow down to negativity. I will not let anything or anyone take me from me. I am not below average. I am me.

The doctor said to get retested in January. I am going to, and I will keep at it until I get back who I was. Breath out the anger, hate, frustration and breath in the calm. Waheguru.