Myself

Ambition

 

Ambition (Wale album)
Ambition (Wale album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Why is ambition in some and not in others?  I hate my ambition sometimes. There are days I wonder why I push myself so hard, and am so anxious that I just want to chuck it all way and go in the safety of just working a 9 to 5 shift. I want to be an employee who just puts the hours, gets the paycheck, and then veg out on the weekends spent in the safety of TV. I envy those who tune out everything, and just sleep the weekends away.  I sometimes hate that I wake up thinking of writing, reading, of promoting events, of new revenue streams, of the 100s of HR and legal tasks at Ziba.  Each day nowadays is spent on a looming TO DO list that I sometimes dread to look at because I am never satisfied with how much I have accomplished. More! More! More!  I constantly feel undereducated, feel like I am missing out new things, falling behind in the world. This nagging feeling of not getting enough done follows me incessantly, and I just to BE sometimes.

 

 

 

I look others around, and I am amazed at the lack of ambition and structure in their lives. Each day just being lived, with no look at the future, no desire to be better, nothing to accomplish except just passing the time. Yes, I do sometimes envy that but I also know that it’s not a life I could really live. I want to more from myself. The standards I have set for myself can only be reached if I work each and every day towards.  If I am not improving myself then I am declining. If I am not reading or writing, I am less educated. If I am not working out. I am less healthy and ultimately less happy.

Everything I desire can only be accomplished if I use each day to cross off things off my to do list. It’s relentless, and quite frankly its exhausting, but I also know I wouldn’t have it any other way. Ambition, you’ve got me by the balls!

 

 

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Myself

Mistakes

Candles
Candles (Photo credit: magnuscanis)

 

I hate when I have to learn from repetitive mistakes.  It seems pointless, even hateful that I continue to make mistakes that seem so clear AFTER the fact.  Yet, that is how we get better, grow and perhaps at some point stop making those mistakes. I never thought I would stop making mistakes, but I did expect that I would get better.   Well, so much for that notion.  It’s not even the continual mistake that I am sorry about, but the fact that I let someone down who expects me to rise above being my usual self. I am too caught up in my pain to see theirs.  Too self-involved.  Too hurt.  Too deep in my self-pity. Too everything as long it involves just me, me, me!

 

Yet, all those are rationalizations. They are nothing more than excuses after the fact.  I am at a loss as to how make the person feel better, and that could lead to even more mistakes.  I thought I was better than that.  That I could learn at any age, and be a better person.  I know I can, yet I also have to deal with the aftermath of my carelessness.  It wasn’t meant to be spiteful but leaving someone alone in their time of need can feel that way to the person.  I was recently told to become more aware of what I say and I do, ad I have to say I still have a long way to go.  I am still too often on auto-pilot, and saying and doing things that are completely unnecessary and hurtful.

 

At this points, words are the assurance I feel I can offer someone, yet even I know that is not enough.  It is time for action. Sometimes being and acting sorry are not even close to being enough.  Sometimes you have to be an adult!

 

 

Myself

The Gossip

Lowest Common Denominator

So admit, lately I have fallen into the trap of judging people almost instantly and what’s worse they are people who were once close to me or near me physically.  I realize now that a struggle it is to remember to just breathe and start the day blank instead of being pummeled by a 100 thoughts of what I need to get done.  As I read and write more, get more enjoyment from the simple moments of life, I see now that I have to make an effort to stay present, connected with what I am feeling but not be overwhelmed by it. It’s a struggle not to speak in frustration and anger.  While the need to be firm is important, I easily dive into anger a bit too quickly.

Moreover, the worst is the recent gossiping I have begun to do, putting down people for minor (at least in the long run) and trivial things that did not matter to me before.  Part of the problem of being in a close group that shares information is that the littlest things get transmitted instantly and the reaction even quicker.  I see now that I am contributing as much to the problem as others, and the only I can hold responsible is myself.

Yet I ask what it is that is making me behave this way?  What makes me put down some people trivial things, and others that I no longer begrudge the benefit of the doubt.  I just assume that lowest common denominator about them, yet it is I who is lacking in basic civility.  Now it would be easy to confront some or speak my mind to others, yet the real problem is myself.  I do not know how to speak bluntly but without emotion.  I somehow manage to sound irritated, petty, annoyed, all at the same time.  The eloquence I think I have seems to abandon me at the crucial moments, and I see what I need to work on.

Recently, I have begun to get agitated at some for not following through for something that seems quite obvious to me in order to better their lives.  But I know it’s not up to me how people choose to live their lives or make their decisions.  I must remember that we each live our own moments, through our own ideals, right or wrong.  All I can really do is to stop gossiping about it.  I cringe as I see that word in print.

Myself

Day of 1/1/11: I am number 1!

 

by Jemal Yarbrough

 

Too many unanswered texts, too few call backs, too much selfishness. I picked the picture to the right because it illustrates to me that there are many who will just continue with their lives not really concerned about friends or family.   I can’t but help be fascinated at the raw emotions I feel as those who I considered close to me once have left me to languish in the toughest battle of my life.  Others have surprised me at their tenderness and care and still other’s I cannot fathom their immaturity.  The reality is that friends come and go, family does the best it can, but only I can make the life I need to live.

So today, I celebrate letting go.  The 1’s being of particular important because at the end of the day I only have myself to rely on.  I no longer want to be dominated by disappointment, hurt or worse, Anger.  No longer will I give lip service to the ideal of being here NOW.  No longer will I dread cancer, chemotherapy, radiation or any of the myriads of  side effects we will face because the reality is we can either be overwhelmed by it or live day-to-day.

Moreover, I cannot expect people to be the way I want them to be.  They are going to be only true to their own nature and while some pay lip service to the ideals of great friendship or family, I just have to take it with a grain of salt.  I want today to be the only day I vent these sentiments because in the past 2 months alone, I know who my real friends and family are.  The rest just acquaintances who once provided fond memories and now just need to be relegated to old photo albums as reminders of a great past.  Some need to be removed completely, others left at a distance, and a few to be politely fake too because it matters to her so much.  So to some I say hello and to others Goodbye, it was nice while it lasted and thanks for the memories.

So 1/1/11 help me today to let go of the past, not worry about the future and just revel in the present.  That’s my gift to myself.