Cancer, Myself, Preeti

Liar: A Blog Post

 

by Jemal Yarbrough

 

You lied to me” she accused me groggily, her eyes still heavy with the general anesthesia, dangerously pulling me to the brink of breaking down.  But the tears never made it to my eyes, I would not, could not let them.   All she saw was my smile, and the assurance that this phase was over.  What did the doctor say, she asked?  Babu, just rest and we can talk about it later.  Was not telling her a lie?  Yes it was, but it is a lie I will tell her over and over.  In this case, the truth would not set us free, the irony hitting me when I think about the friend I betrayed recently.  When is a lie ok, the right thing to do?  Now.  Always. When it involves her current fight with cancer.

The actions and emotion sof this week flutter around in my mind.  Words said, regrets swallowed, anger yelled, the many emotions of the body come up and I realize that we are just at the beginning of this very long road.  From a procedure that yielded one great hope, to getting hit by a guy running a red light, I realize life continues.  I cannot lie, I am scared yet in there is a voice growing stronger, saying we will get through this.  I know we can and we will. I can keep looking at the past, let the regrets pile up, the fear dominate my days, while watching her in pain and nausea or I can hold her, give her my strength, let her know, everything will be ok, no more lies, everything will be ok.  I will be a liar when needed but the there is only one truth: She will be fine.

 

Brownness, Myself, Preeti

Pain Please

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In just 2 months,  the life I knew has been obliterated.  I search for the words to express that, but besides pain there is nothing.  Actually. I wish there was pain.  Just numbness.  I sit here in a daze, not writing particularly well just thoughts and emotions fighting with God asking why her?  What has she done to deserve?  Is being with me so bad that she had to be punished physically?

No one’s saying it to me, but they don’t need to.  I feel it.  I know I am being watched with the wonder, did the constant stress of being in this relationship cause this?  What other explanation is there for someone so young?

Praying to the God so frequently that now only word goes out to him: Please.  As in, please change this.  Please stop this.  Please fix this.  Please cure her.  Please give it to me.  Please stop.  Please forgive me.  Please let me take this on.  PLEASE.

Nothing else comes except the numbness, wishing her pain was mine, wanting her life to be mine.  She doesn’t deserve this. No one does.  Why her? Why not me? 

I look up and hear nothing.  Please.  Nothing. 

Life as I know it is over.  Nothing remains.  Just the pain. 

Please