Brownness

Left Behind

maxresdefaultThe past few days have been a whirl. I came back from MITT, (Miitraining.com) with swirling thoughts and desires, and the realization that I have lots of work to do emotionally. I went in expecting not much, and came back with a desire to love the world. It’s a feeling I had before in High School and College, and to some extent in law school, but now its come back renewed. I believe that if I am not improving myself, I am stagnating. If I am not moving, I am drowning.  Too often, I made excuses NOT to do something when instead when I was younger, my response was always yes. I don’t know when I changed. I don’t know when I left the old me behind. I miss him. The one who dove in. The one who took on challenges. The one who loved unconditionally. The one who knew what other needed or desired and worked on getting it for them. Do I  miss all of me? No. There is a lot of me I am glad is no longer there, but in the process I also lost some precious things so I commit to working on those. I need me. To those this all sounds like some mushy gooey “we are the world” type shit, I say so what? What does it matter as I long as I believe in it.

This past week. I watched others with new lenses, and in some, I saw how much pain I had caused them or was causing. It’s a wake up call. I can no longer afford to just complain or whine about how life is. It is my creation, and today I choose to create a better me.  I am scared shitless, but I also know if I don’t dive in, the old me will be lost forever, and that is not something I am willing to accept. I am a writer. I am a family man. I am in shape. I have great relationships with loved ones. That is my vision, and the old me could handle all that, so back to it I go.

Wish me progress, no wish me to be the way I used to be.

Myself

Confusion-A New Blog Post

Confusion has become my best friend. I realized this today as I tried to figure out a to do list for my life and while some things appear quite apparent and perhaps even clear, I scribble away that clarity with more to dos, more “gotta get this done”‘s and suddenly I am back to the uncertain Sanjay, the one I vowed to eliminate.

Yet the glimmer is there, I see myself a different person, the one getting things done the way I want them done, only if I knew what they were, and then it hits me that perhaps its not just confusion, its part laziness and a big dose of fear.

I am scared of making changes in my life because the status quo has been going on for so long. And then I realize the silliness of that and I am struck at my own confusion about what it is that I really want.

I want to eliminate my debt, something I am afraid to admit openly considering how much I make. I know that previous comment witll come as cocky to some but the truth of the matter is, I have silly debt, debt thats holding me back because its from my past and it represents my failings as a better person. I know the uncertainty is there that if I manage to eliminate my debt yet again, I will create another hole.

And there lies the crux of the problem. In the process of cleaning up my life, will I clutter it up again with useless material things and lack of focus?

And thats the question that eats at me while I strive to go the gym, manage my expenses better and prepare to marry the love of my life.

Myself

A New Post or Past: Read the Blog

I am not sure how to begin.  Not much of a surprise there, considering how much of my day I spend not know how it will end.  If there is no beginning and there is no end, what am I really doing?  So lately, I have taken the aimless days back and began filling them with who I really am.  And I got close in these past two days. I read, I blogged, hell I even worked out.  And life appeared to come into focus, but poof it skittered away as soon the light of confusion hit it. 

I am sick of not k nowing.  I am also sick of knowing then realizing that its false.  But most of all, I am sick of wondering when my life willl be complete.  But then I get a call from my nephew or niece, or a quick lick from my dog, or Preeti smiles her preciousness at me, and I wonder if I need anything more.  Is there a balance between completely helpless to wanting to take over the world?  Or am I just socially bipolar?

My Dog

I sit in this quiet room, itching to turn on the TV, or go read, anything to make this minute go by the point where I am still single, still living alone, still without issue.  I want to squeeze the annoying me out and bitch slap myself some nuts.  And for that utterly small moment, I just want to NOT BE.,,

And the quiet allows me that frustration, and slowly massages back into the unsure but believer Sanjay. 

Life will change.  So will I.  Things will get better.  I will not be alone.  I promise all that.

I hope someone’s listening.