I know how that bird feels. Sometimes. all we can manage to do is keep ourselves dangling on a small branch just so we don’t drown. Much like that bird, I felt alone and surrounded by weak branches that looked like they could not hold my weight but they can as the bird proves. We do not see the deep roots or the strength these branches have under the water, and perhaps we are not meant to. We just have to have faith that they will help us survive.
If you have read my blog, you know I have struggled often with my conflicting thoughts about friends and family. From wanting No! demanding love and attention to anger and sorrow at seeming indifference. I cannot read minds, so I used the actions or lack of actions to speak to me. But then it hit me that I made this about others when it should be about me, us, what we need now and going forward. The ones that care will be there, and the ones that don’t either fake it or just pretend all is well. Either way is fine, but I know I need to put some things to bed, that some friendships have run their course while some are just beginnings and others getting stronger. I cannot pick which is which, the reality being that whatever is meant to be, is.
That’s the tough part knowing that what perhaps what I did either contributed to the demise of the friendship or made it better. Either way it keeps coming back to the same idea: you cannot force what’s not there, and whatever is meant to be will happen, and it will happen exactly the way it’s going to happen. The what if’s, the would’ve, could’ve lay by the wayside. The hurt will be there for now, but I forgive myself first and then others for causing it. The only thing I am sure of now is that I have to keep moving. The ones that want to be along for the ride will climb on board, the ones that do not will either say they meant to come or pass. Whatever they decide is by me. I cannot no! will not force them.
I have a new life starting soon as husband and wife, as brother-in-law, and a son-in-law. My main goals are to make my family stronger, spend more time with loved ones, and to keep writing. The rest will sort itself out. I have faith in this ride called Life.
- The Ugly Bird (tanushreeraj.wordpress.com)