As I look at the beautiful picture done by my best friend Jemal, I realize how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life. Sure, there were some days when I felt as if I was besieged and just taken advantage of, yet the reality was that no one did anything out of the ordinary. It’s just that my perception of life has made question some basic things in my life such who are my friends? I put so much importance in being liked that I forgot that no one can make you bad about yourself without your consent.
I realize now that I was unhappy with myself, and for that the only changed that was needed on my ability to deal with it. Work has transformed into something I want to expand on, going out on new things a passion, working out so I can get the body I want a habit that I am unwilling to compromise for anyone. I am now also around people who enable me my good habits rather than regret my past and my new decisions in life. There are some in my life who are so unhappy with themselves that nothing I say or do can change that. You know what, that’s their problem not mine.
I cannot change anyone except for myself, and until I do I will constantly be worried or annoyed about things that do not matter. There are some near me in need of severe guidance but it’s not my job to fix them. As hard as that is sometimes to recognize, I now know that I can only be there if needed or asked. I was overly involved or affected by others and their habits when in fact the real culprit was my frustration with my failures or inability to get things done. I can only be a bridge if people choose to use me as that tool. I cannot force them to do things that they are unwilling or incapable of doing. Does that mean I don’t care? No, just that I no longer will interfere. Just like the beautiful bridge, I will be here for the crossing when asked. 🙂
It’s a slippery slope some times to get back to an old life with new promises and ideals when more than anything else, I want to avoid some things that were not good. Before getting sick, I was unmotivated, unorganized, stuck in a daily battle of some sort or another. Back in the reins of work, I realize that just have a to do list is meaningless when the list is not producing, it’s just a list of things meant to fill up the day. ((Taken from Getting Things Done by David Allen)
I realize now that it takes work getting organized, and getting the most out of my routine. No longer am I bored, but I have to be careful not get overwhelmed and there are so many things I want to achieve. From the one to one class, to the ADP training to doing more in HR, I know I have lots to learn but more so than that to DO. The learning part is almost easy and even fun, but it’s the implementation that’s tough. I am still in that mode of surface satisfaction rather than the deeper dive into getting better.
I keep forgetting to breath, to let go, to not get lost in anger (she can attest to that) or lost in the details of accumulating details and tasks and asking myself where is it that I wish to end up? That’s the real question, the only question really. So I need to keep climbing that slope knowing that some days I will slip back into the mud but other days, I will be free.
The mural next to these words marks a strong contrast to the real world facing me outside: grey, dreary, drizzling enough so even the dog doesn’t want to go around and sniff aimlessly. Just paid all the bills and miraculously have exactly 11 cents to my name, well to our names to be precise, so I have plenty to frown about, but I am not. In fact, seems nothing can get me down.
The heart is light, can’t stop smiling, and looking forward to the week ahead. It’s funny how certain things don’t matter as much when so much has happened. Friends who you cared about deeply barely a bleep, strangers who you ignored now dear acquaintances, but you know over all, that you matter a lot to many out there, and that’s enough. Each one in our lives contributed the way they could, or better yet the way they were meant to. This was our battle, and they were just the small break shops that give you water and food so you have the strength to keep going. Blaming those for not running with you was not only realistic but completely unfair. True, the damage is done but I know my friends, they will bounce back since those who know me well know that I hold no ill will. More like, it was a cry for help but I managed to push some away and for that I will always be sorry. The choice to continue is really up to them because although I am sorry, I am not going to be a slave to regret for the rest of my life.
I finished my first short story in years, and while I am tempted to share it here, I know it still needs to be tightened up more. Who knew in the whirling days of chemo and radiation, an idea would be born. On this dreary day, my heart shines, smiling at the thought of her being almost done. Nothing else matters really. All the old accusations, decisions, bad thoughts, put away to stand clear for the finish line. Who knew that in a matter of weeks, we will put this saga behind us and while the results are not 100%, they are good enough for me. Can/t worry about what’s not there or has not happened. Actually, that’s not true. It is 1005 over in a week, and what will come next, I cannot worry about. For now, I have her to love fully, full-time, and always. Also my dear friends and family who are always there. We are almost there, thank you for coming along this bumpy ride. Hope I didn’t scar you too much. 🙂
The mural next to these words marks a strong contrast to the real world facing me outside: grey, dreary, drizzling enough so even the dog doesn’t want to go around and sniff aimlessly. Just paid all the bills and miraculously have exactly 11 cents to my name, well to our names to be precise, so I have plenty to frown about, but I am not. In fact, seems nothing can get me down.
The heart is light, can’t stop smiling, and looking forward to the week ahead. It’s funny how certain things don’t matter as much when so much has happened. Friends who you cared about deeply barely a bleep, strangers who you ignored now dear acquaintances, but you know over all, that you matter a lot to many out there, and that’s enough. Each one in our lives contributed the way they could, or better yet the way they were meant to. This was our battle, and they were just the small break shops that give you water and food so you have the strength to keep going. Blaming those for not running with you was not only realistic but completely unfair. True, the damage is done but I know my friends, they will bounce back since those who know me well know that I hold no ill will. More like, it was a cry for help but I managed to push some away and for that I will always be sorry. The choice to continue is really up to them because although I am sorry, I am not going to be a slave to regret for the rest of my life.
I finished my first short story in years, and while I am tempted to share it here, I know it still needs to be tightened up more. Who knew in the whirling days of chemo and radiation, an idea would be born. On this dreary day, my heart shines, smiling at the thought of her being almost done. Nothing else matters really. All the old accusations, decisions, bad thoughts, put away to stand clear for the finish line. Who knew that in a matter of weeks, we will put this saga behind us and while the results are not 100%, they are good enough for me. Can/t worry about what’s not there or has not happened. Actually, that’s not true. It is 1005 over in a week, and what will come next, I cannot worry about. For now, I have her to love fully, full-time, and always. Also my dear friends and family who are always there. We are almost there, thank you for coming along this bumpy ride. Hope I didn’t scar you too much. 🙂
Yesterday was an amazing day. Full of laughter and a collective sigh of relief as we watched her eat a full meal after many weeks, and actually looking like herself. It was also the sharing of an important moment, breaking bread with my in-laws as well as my new brothers, and for the first time since her surgery, we were in this together. The talk flew quickly, the laughter even quicker and I never felt alone, the reinforcements were here! Our support group got larger, and we finally had begun the healing process together. The day went smoothly and for the first time I had nothing to complain about, but in fact was full of praise for every single person involved and there were several. There was my mother in well as well as brother-in-law, his girlfriend, several friends, along with numerous texts, calls and visits from others. Every single person taking time out of their lives and heart to share with her as well as me .
I fell in love with her all over again while starting new relationships with others. No longer am I intimidated with this disease especially chemotherapy, and no longer does it seem that it is never-ending (because it’s only 2 more weeks of chemo to go). I am not ashamed to admit that I over-reacted, neither am I shy to admit that all of my recent blogs have been about myself as I try to make sense of what’s going on with me. In that attempt, I managed to hurt several people, and to them I say I am extremely sorry. To some, it may seem like glory seeking for me to blog about the disease and point out what others are doing or not doing. It really isn’t about them. It’s about me. I realize though that I have certain responsibilities in every relationship, so the fact I am just blogging or expressing my feelings does not diminish the fact that I am doing it publicly. In a nutshell, if I can’t be nice perhaps I shouldn’t say it. Ok, I almost said that with a straight face. No, no I need to be better because not writing for me would be like not breathing. So what I mean to say is that I need to get better, appreciate more, love more, thank more, smile more, work more, work out more. After all, I am almost 40 (39 in less than a week) so I need to grow up. I need to finally accept that life goes on, and I need to as well. As a dear friend quoted The Tao of Pooh, I need to become a pebble in the stream, and another encourages me to be more thankful, I realize now that God has been sending hints throughout this ordeal, HE hasn’t left me alone, I am not alone. I have others I can trust with my life including my new family. And for that, I cannot be grateful enough.
When we first heard about what was going on with her, I never felt more alone and overwhelmed, and that feeling continued because I had convinced myself that it was my punishment for my behavior in the past. I lost sight of the fact that we are truly loved by others because some hurt us so deeply that we only thrived in that pain. Isn’t it funny what kind of creatures we are? We may have everything in the world, yet the moment someone or something makes us feel less deserving, we immediately seize upon that not seeing the 99% of goodness we do have in our loves.
Hard to believe that one good night made me realize this but it isn’t one good night, we have been building towards this. I just had to allow myself to enjoy it and accept help. I was alone because I had made it that way. When I think of the texts and calls offering to help, I cringe in shame because my stupid pride that made me say no. I became blind to the outside world just wallowing in self-pity. I drowned myself in self-doubt and loathing, lost sight of what’s real and what is not. In a word, I was a bitch. An emotionally unstable whiner. A loner. I probably almost all the right ingredients to consider becoming a Sadhu, but even there I would have failed because the first lesson in any recovery is acknowledgment of who you are. So yes I am a bitch. I need to slap myself silly for the last few blog posts just because they were very mean, uncalled for and generally below my character. Ok, but one small thing: it was pretty riveting writing, you gotta give me that, but then it hits me that I am feeding into people’s voyeuristic site and not really adding anything of value so minus that one point (doh!).
I know I need to end this tirade yet I can’t seem to let go of the feeling of fullness and goodness in my heart thanks to so many people. I am not gonna lie, I am still irked at some but really that’s a minor issue, and I need to make those people minor as well. I have built up some so loftily that any small misstep by them causes a turbulence in my soul, so like a pebble in a stream, I let it flow through me, and drown myself in her beautiful, beautiful smile At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters. Except for me as well, duh! Come on now, you should know by now its always about me 🙂
Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog 