I did a ton of walking and thinking this weekend. It hit me that while on Social Media it looks like I am having the time of my life, many do not see the struggle it is to get to those moments. The mini pep talks, the telling myself to get out of bed to get some sunshine, the engagement with others, the expression of daily gratitude for what I have. But none of it comes close to filling in the gaping hole of missing someone who is no longer here. A foundation that I counted on so thoroughly that it never occurred to me that one day it would be gone.
So daily, I get up, do what I need to keep my sanity, keep my thoughts and feelings about my loss to myself because it just seems easier that way. Yet, there is a growing pressure inside me as well that this cannot continue this way. Being alone this way for so long is a recipe for disaster yet my distaste of pity and being vulnerable so great that I’d rather say I am fine.
But there is light here. I am reaching goals that I didn’t think possible, and there is so much I want to get done. I honor him but getting to places he couldn’t and that is enough. I also know that seeking support needs to become a habit because it sucks to go at this alone, yet it is not easy. I hesitated posting this because it will sound whiny or a grab for attention, but really it’s for the ones who look like they live the ideal life, yet feel truly, utterly alone. This will pass. I know it will. I am a loving, giving and worthy leader!