It’s a slippery slope some times to get back to an old life with new promises and ideals when more than anything else, I want to avoid some things that were not good. Before getting sick, I was unmotivated, unorganized, stuck in a daily battle of some sort or another. Back in the reins of work, I realize that just have a to do list is meaningless when the list is not producing, it’s just a list of things meant to fill up the day. ((Taken from Getting Things Done by David Allen)
I realize now that it takes work getting organized, and getting the most out of my routine. No longer am I bored, but I have to be careful not get overwhelmed and there are so many things I want to achieve. From the one to one class, to the ADP training to doing more in HR, I know I have lots to learn but more so than that to DO. The learning part is almost easy and even fun, but it’s the implementation that’s tough. I am still in that mode of surface satisfaction rather than the deeper dive into getting better.
I keep forgetting to breath, to let go, to not get lost in anger (she can attest to that) or lost in the details of accumulating details and tasks and asking myself where is it that I wish to end up? That’s the real question, the only question really. So I need to keep climbing that slope knowing that some days I will slip back into the mud but other days, I will be free.
The house is quiet, the window open and I can actually see my neighbor’s house next door. Funny, in the past 5 years we have barely said hello even though we live 10 feet away from each other. It’s moments like this that makes me realize how much of my world is present to me yet I am absent from it. Reading the book Taking the Leap by Pema Chodron (thank you Santoshi for this amazing gift!) has made me understand that I am have been asleep and letting Shenpa (attachment or being hooked or stuck) rule my world. It’s as if I am all reaction even when I try to slow down. At some point, the apologies have to desist, and real action has to take place. I need to practice the 3 things we all carry: Natural Intelligence, Natural Warmth and Natural openness. I know that there are things I need to do especially towards a few people who have hurt me deeply unintentionally. As much as I talk about real friends and family, I know that I need to have a conversation with those dear to me. I see now that I am pushing them further and further away by not opening up to them and letting them know that I need them in my life. Too often, I have let my ego rule my world, and while it has proven satisfying for the moment, like poison ivy, that satisfaction has spread the rash all over my mind and soul. In my quest for the temporary release, I managed to do some long-term damage that I may never be able to repair.
I have the ready excuse that my wife has cancer, or that I am recent stroke victim, yet I know that I have made this all about my pain and myself in general. Shit happens. Life happens. Get over it. Actually, I don’t mean that in an angry way. I am just tired of fighting, of alienating people, and hurting the people close to me. I see now that I need to be better, do better, be the person I can be. I have let my emotions become me, and that has led to me being even more alone. So I need to follow the 3 steps (easy to describe but extremely hard to do). 1) Acknowledge that I am hooked, 2) Take 3 Deep breaths and lean into the energy, experience and taste whatever it is, take it in the waft of anger, pain, hurt, breathe it in, make love to it, play with it and then Step 3: Relax and Move On. Again, I come back to the realization and advice to STAY PRESENT, BE AWAKE.
It is so easy to drift, to dream, to look at the past, the future but so incredibly difficult to experience the Now. So now my birthday resolution makes sense now because writing forces me to stay present, to observe, to relish the moment, lean in experience it whole-heartedly. But, (and there is always a but). I know now how much I am loved, and how much I have hurt others. However, no more apologies, just being present, using my natural intelligence, warmth and openness can now save me. In other words, be who I am, not what others want me to be.
Havent been able to write much lately. Although, I constantly wish I had a machine to transcibe my thoughts which whirl around my brain but refuse to come out when I actually sit down to write. It’s as if my mind is still fighting the idea that I am going to leave my current life as General Counsel and become a writer. The thought seems to scare us both.
But I know I must sit down, must stop worrying about the dog, my breath, or my coffee, and just shove the words our before they get lost in what I call my daily life because if I dont, I will stay the person I am. And for once, it just doesnt sound that appealing. I got the gadgets, I got the tools, I got the girl but what I dont have is passion and the certainty that I am doing what I was meant to do. Write.