I have a need to be read so I know I exist. These are my words, and I need to share them. Too long, they have gone silent, and worst of all ignored by me. I had convinced myself that writing was enough, just like breathing. But after a while, you need more than air to live. Life isn’t just a series of breathing exercises yet for a while that’s how I treated my life. Something I just had to do. No vision. No motivation. Just passing of the day and really just being lucky enough to be around people who loved me for existing and providing me with everything.
So why am I whining because I know I am a fraud. I know that the words coming here now are just so simple and don’t even come close to the poetry in my head. It used to be so easy and now I am lazy and dull. I stopped listening and hearing what the words were trying to tell. So now I just sit here, listening to amazing religious songs with a cold cup of coffee trying to convince myself at 38 that this is what I want to be. Yet every moment feels forced, made up just so I can say I wrote.
I am a writer. It’s what I tell myself when I wake up every morning, and the first strokes of the words comes easy. Yet after a minutes, I find myself tweeting/emailing/posting/reading/searching/paying bills all throughout the precious time I have managed to find to write. It’s as if my body is telling me to get real and go back to my superficial life. And I oblige. That’s the sad part. I know I am failing myself and yet somehow I still continue on the path.
I am a fraud, but at least I know it. And knowing is half the battle, Gi Joe reminds me. But wait, I feel like a fraud but does that really make me one? It’s the question that nags at me. Who am I, really? Am I the thoughts in my head or am I to be defined by actions? What is it about slamming these letters down that makes me feel like a light weight heavy lifter? Is it the guilt that the joy I felt when I first learned to transform my thoughts into reality seems buried, muffled underneath the chorus of doubt and guilt? Or is it just not meant to be?
Should I remain a fraud or for once be the man I said I wanted to be?
And then there was silence…