Myself

Confusion-A New Blog Post

Confusion has become my best friend. I realized this today as I tried to figure out a to do list for my life and while some things appear quite apparent and perhaps even clear, I scribble away that clarity with more to dos, more “gotta get this done”‘s and suddenly I am back to the uncertain Sanjay, the one I vowed to eliminate.

Yet the glimmer is there, I see myself a different person, the one getting things done the way I want them done, only if I knew what they were, and then it hits me that perhaps its not just confusion, its part laziness and a big dose of fear.

I am scared of making changes in my life because the status quo has been going on for so long. And then I realize the silliness of that and I am struck at my own confusion about what it is that I really want.

I want to eliminate my debt, something I am afraid to admit openly considering how much I make. I know that previous comment witll come as cocky to some but the truth of the matter is, I have silly debt, debt thats holding me back because its from my past and it represents my failings as a better person. I know the uncertainty is there that if I manage to eliminate my debt yet again, I will create another hole.

And there lies the crux of the problem. In the process of cleaning up my life, will I clutter it up again with useless material things and lack of focus?

And thats the question that eats at me while I strive to go the gym, manage my expenses better and prepare to marry the love of my life.

Brownness

Encouragement Blog Post

Nothing like a few words of encouragement from strangers and friends to fill one’s soul up and want to keep trying. It’s not often that I ask for anything (atleast no consciously) and then I realize how easy the people around me make my life. But it makes me wonder why I dont ask more often. It’s as if I am afraid to come off as greedy or perhaps as weak or the absolute worst: a whiner.

All of these throughts battle around my words, resulting in the a lot of the blog posts asking a lot of questions but offering very few answers. I cant blame the blog, its done its job of venting. So I can only look to myself and only find more questions. Oh, the questions. I am so sick of asking and not knowing, or wondering and not being sure, of just NOT living and breathing from one day to another.

And when I am drowning in this utterly wasteful life of mine (with a glass of black label and coke sitting along side of me), I hear my friends and family’s thoughts and encouragement for me, and although it doesnt make the night go any faster, it fills me with enough courage to ask for their wisdom.

Ofcourse, in hindsight (especially now), it looks oh so easy, but it takes a special kind of self pity for me to pick up that phone to text out that call for help. Too much time in fact. It is as if I have to feel utterly alone and lost before asking for direction.

Today, I am here, asking for help. Asking for words that make sense of my life, of my world, of my love. Today, I want no need direction, need to be pointed to the right way because right now nothing seems more wrong. I ask for love. I ask for understanding. But mostly, I ask for encouragement, that life isnt so bad, and to stop being such a whiny bitch.

Thank you in advance for your encouragement.