Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Resistance

It’s crazy to know we are halfway through August. Unlike others, I am blessed I able to practice my profession and be of service to others. I also have recommitted to Crossfit because I noticed I was only going one to two times a week and running the rest of the days. I realized that I resisted going to Crossfit because it was hard, uncomfortable, and I felt like a failure. All stories that I told myself to not do something difficult.

It’s hard for me to ask clients for money. It’s hard for me to be engaged when people discuss things I don’t know about or are not my interest. And so I resist by avoiding,denying or ignoring. It’s easier to make up stories than be vulnerable or change the narrative until I chose to get accountability people who won’t let me just live these fake stories. So I learn to dive into the discomfort, learn to get curious, and truly hear what others needs are, become open to learning about the people in my life.

It’s not easy because resistance has become a natural reaction, but I know it stops me from growing, from being the best version of myself. When I resist, I know I am scared. I am allowing fear to dictate and while some fear is fine, allowing only that can calcify me. And so I do the things that scare me,I take chances, I learn,and I grow. I use resistance as my barometer for letting me know that I get to keep pushing forward.

Happy Monday!

Brownness, Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A fruitful bitter weekend

It is always a blessing to spend time with those who genuinely enjoy your company. Two weekends ago, I felt so much love, connection and warmth while I quietly also grieved for my aunt. It was a surreal weekend in that so many emotions intertwined inside me, yet I know that many memories were made, and relationships deepened.

It took me two weeks to process and I realized that as I get older, my loved one do too. I will see more passings, more transitions, and I know that time with them has a bit of urgency to it that I wish it didn’t.  Already, I have experienced three deaths, and while they are alive in my mind, I also see myself not saying as much as I could. I keep the pain buried, but it is also in my actions. I am quieter, and then I am not. The pendulum inside me goes from wanting to shout out all my feelings or to remain still and feel them all.

Not much time goes by that regret doesn’t pierce my heart and I wonder how many missed opportunities I had with my dad and aunts. How easy it would have been to pick up the phone, to tell them I miss and love them one more time?

And what about the ones still here? What can I do better? I know that as the relationships deepen with others, more memories are made, but I also know its important to maintain old and new friends, to be there for family, to know that I didn’t spend my days worrying about a future I can’t control, and instead spent it in experiences.

I not only tasted wine, but got to be around people who genuinely wanted the best for me, and I also got to say goodbye to an amazing soul. I don’t think I can ask for much more. Spend more time with loves is the new motto!

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Passage of Time

One of the things I had not every considered that with the passage of time, I would get to bear witness to losing  loved ones in my life. It never occurred to me that as I got older so did others ahead of me, and then it is time for them to go. It hasn’t gotten easier. Sadness has entered my life, and made a cozy home, but it hasn’t taken over. My family continues to find ways to find love, laughter, strength, energy and sheer will power to keep moving forward.

Only now do I realize how much I will still witness. It’s hard to see that, and I don’t want to, but I also know that inner strength comes from being prepared, acceptance and just knowing the people in my family have had amazing lives. My aunt who left us two days ago went willingly, almost insistently because she’d had a full life.

I don’t pretend to understand my mom’s pain as she has lost her husband, and now two sisters, the youngest and the oldest. To me, she’s always been mom, and it’s truly hard to imagine her loss. Mom is mom, but she is also a daughter, a sister, a woman. Concepts that blow my mind as I get older, and see more death than I thought I ever would. It is not an easy thing to absorb. I also know that the past few years, death has changed my family dynamic but not in a negative way. Sadness is just one layer while resilience our foundation

I wish peace upon those have left us, and strength for those of us still here. Strength to know more are coming, but also the resolve to continue loving and living.

 

Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

Connections

After many months, we finally invited a few friends to our new place. It’s hard to believe how warm a place can feel with people who genuinely care about you in a short time. I met them all at my gym, yet already I count them among my close friends because besides crossfit we share so many other interests. To see them adopt my wife in a heartbeat confirms for me that these are people who care about my well being in a number of ways.

Each time we get together, the warmth and the closeness grows.  We accumulate more stories to share for later, more memories, more gratitude for being able to spend time together. I am truly blessed that the only 2020 vacation I managed to take was with this group, and not only did it turn out to be one of the best but it helped my personal friend circle bigger.

But more than that, for a few hours there was a sense of normalcy, connection, and we were able to not remember to be fearful or worried but to laugh, share and enjoy great food together. I am truly grateful to have a partner who gets this, and together we were able to host a great event. It felt like sanity even if it was just for a few hours.

Gratitude overflows in me.

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

On Responsibility

This weeks prompt in my accountability group hit me hard as I was reminded that while it is easier to blame, to make excuses, to have a story as to why something was beyond me, the reality is much of what I do has to come from responsibility. Which means taking a hard look at myself, and finding what is that I can do in the current situation that requires action and not just words.

This week, I was reminded not too gently that I had failed to be present to something right in front of me and while I raved and ranted why I wasn’t, I had the sinking feeling that I was in my story. It is much easier to explain why something can’t be done or wasn’t done then owning up as the real reason.

It can be hard to have difficult conversations when I become more interested in being right rather than take a position of leadership and truly hear what is being said. It’s not easy to be told how I am actually showing up to what I think I am doing. That’s not to say that I am 100% in the wrong. Actually, this isn’t even about right or wrong. It’s about what is in my control, and what am I truly doing.

It’s becoming curious, compassionate, and present that I am able to truly hear. It’s also communicating my own needs and wants, and also what’s going on inside me. Because until I say what’s coming up for me, others will merely assume from my actions what they think I am doing. So I get to be in responsibility and share, and be aware of how I am showing up, but I also get to be clear in what I can and cannot do.

Responsibility isn’t about accepting blame or being right or wrong. it’s about being accountable to my thoughts, feelings and actions and showing up for the ones around you.

Happy Monday! 🙂

Family, Food For Thought, Inpsiration, Journal

A Reminder

As the year plugs away, the weekends roll by, and the days come and go, I know that while it may seem the end will never come, it will at some point. Too often, I get caught up in looking at the destination rather than the journey. I miss out on the present times, the love, laughter that surround me. I waste time trying to predict a future I have no way of knowing, and I spend far too much time worried about things that I can’t possibly change.

I only have control over my actions, thoughts, and feelings. Yet, I still continue on a path of uncertainty, fear, and wishful thinking. I realize now that it takes continual practice to not take it personal, to keep doing the right thing, to spend time the right way on growth and learning.

I get to take people as they are, not as I wish for them to be. It takes constant reminding to let go of my ego and not making it about myself. I get to practice empathy, awareness and finding ways to be in service. Sure, failure is part of the process, but it doesn’t mean I give up. I want to leave behind a legacy that I was mostly kind, mostly did the right thing, that I stretched myself, took chances and risks to grow, that I spent enough with loved ones, that I told all the ones in my life that they matter.

So I keep on finding reminders to be the best version of myself even when I feel like I am failing because each situation is a way to learn to do it better next time. So I continue on my path and my practice. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Happy Monday.