Growth

My word for the year is growth, one that I realized as I took the Science of People course by Vanessa Edwards which a former life coach introduced me to. It hit me that Growth is my word in general. My thirst and willingness to keep doing difficult things, to keep pushing for things that make me uncomfortable, to seek out knowledge, to keep read, to write, to raise a child, to work on my marriage, all of these things invite and create growth for me. But more often than not, the growth does not come from just doing those things, but failing at them. All. The. Time. It’s what makes growth so difficult sometimes. There are times I don’t want to fail, but just do the easy thing, the things that bring me pleasure, to lose myself in denial and blaming others.

That path is delicious to be sure sometimes, but when that becomes the go-to, I get to take a deeper look at myself, to take that hard look in the mirror and know that I am responsible for actions, and therefore my life. I can let the winds of change buffet me around, or I learn to glide with the currents so I can stay afloat. I know myself too well. In the past, taking the easy way was my go-to, but in the past few decades. I have become obsessed with learning and using that information to grow. One big part of that is becoming physically active. After my stroke and brain surgery nearly 10 years, there are things in my life that I no longer take for granted.

For far too long, I took my health for granted as well as my love for reading and writing. It seemed enough to devour words and put them down occasionally. I was going to be a published author at 30 then the goal changed to starting a record label (Planet Bhangra), then a concert promoter (Desipalooza anyone?), and hedonism became a way of life. Then reality hit in the form of falling in love and marriage, and illnesses and deaths and arguments and starting a law practice right before the pandemic and for a while, it became painful, almost too painful and hard to bear, and then as I grew into and past those roles, I became a new Sanjay. Not better, but more aware, perhaps a bit wiser in some things and worse in others. But what changed is my awareness of it all.

So I keep searching for that growth and in a way, failure. At some point, either I get past and grow, or I will let go of what does not serve me and allow myself the grace to fail.