Passage of Time

I have attended three funerals so far this month, and I am not counting the passing of my mamaji last month. Helplessness coursed through my body as I listened to the loved one speeches, each time brought back to my own loss. I cringe at my selfishness, to think of my losses rather than be fully present for ones recently gone, but that’s exactly not true either. Only in my own pain can I express the pain of losing yet another beautiful soul. This past weekend, the person that went on from this Earth was truly an amazing person. Again and again people remarked on her ever ready smile and the long fights she had with Cancer not once but multiple times. The fact she NEVER complained, EVER.

I choked up as my dear friend had only a few words to say but they haunted: my mom, the best mom. Hearing other stories about her, hearing my own mother speak there (something she is loathe to do in general), I know this is my new reality, Along with births, taking stock at funerals has become a norm. It just doesn’t make it any easier especially when it affects the ones you care for. Sitting in those pews again, I was reminded that there will be many more return trips, yet what made me smile was remember her smile, seeing how she was celebrated, yet there were tears, but there were also stories, moments, memories to cherish. Her legacy for all of us to see in her husband, children, grandchildren and community. She was rich in so much which is why it hurts more.

Losing someone is never easy, but losing someone who fought so many battles makes it infinitely harder which is why it is important to honor the time we all got with her. So many moments came to me of her smiles, making me grateful that due to her heart and nature, I got to meet her family and got a dear friend out of it. Even though years have passed since we hung out, we began where we left off, and I felt his pain tear through me, but also his courage in how he was dealing with the loss. They showered each other with love and respect, the things his mom was best at, and again it reminded me that as our elders times get shorter, what we can give them more than anything else is our time and attention. They get to reap the benefit of their legacy while they are alive not just at a funeral,

So we sat, and we honored and we remembered, ,and it made me quite glad that she got far more time than expected due to her illnesses, but her smile and lack of complaint radiated through, and even though it felt strange, I could not help a bit of joy that she got a life well lived. And at the end, that’s all that matters.

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