Brownness

On Becoming a Father

There are things that I always thought I would be, but life continued in a way that I let go of those expectations. Little did I realize that I had beside me a partner who would not allow me to let go of my dream of becoming a parent. I admit, one of the scariest things is that I will be now be a father at 50 and already my fear is that I want to ensure my son has all that he needs to face the world. I worry I may not be there for his entire journey, but then again my partner looks at me with her determined gaze, and I let go of all this and get ready to take the plunge.

It awes me still that my wife is open about our journey of surrogacy, and wants others in our community to be aware that there are other options other than natural pregnancy. It takes vulnerability and courage to share something so intimate, and I look at my wife and our families and the cocoon of love they provided that allowed us to make this fantasy into a reality. To say, we did this by ourselves would be plain denial. As they say, it takes a village, and we can say with pride that we got that covered.

I also use my fears to push me to work out, new reasons to get endurance rather than just do a marathon or keep up with my crossfit friends. I have a son coming soon who will challenge me in every way so I better get ready physically, emotionally and spiritually. No longer can I snooze or be tired because tired will be the status quo (as I have been reminded myriads of times).

But the joy of becoming a father is settling in, and I look forward to the challenges with a smile because I know those are the normal pre race jitters, I know we provide him with a loving home, amazing families and friends, and he will know he is not alone. He will know unconditional love just like we have, and I fall in love deeper with my wife who made this happen through her sheer will.

Papa is here, son. He’s got you.

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