Brownness

On Growth

This past week, I got a chance to work on something new in my law practice, and it revealed that my love for learning something new but fear of putting it into practice still reigned supreme. Gratitude flooded me because as usual my best friend was there to give guidance, but this time he also did something different. He gave little to no revisions after going into detail on what needed to happen for the upcoming hearing. He gave me enough rope to pull myself up, but I could have also hung myself if I hadn’t put in the time to learn what needed to happen.

Did I make some mistakes? Yes, of course, but not something so big that my client didn’t get what they needed, and so I took the win into the weekend, where finally I got to spend time with an old friend where it just feels like we are take up where we left off. No gaps, no awkwardness, no lacking of conversation, just good times that made the night go way too fast.

I realize I need more nights like those rather than the ones where I feel left out, not part of the night, and it hits me that it’s on me. I either participate or I don’t go. It’s a hard lesson when compared to the nights that are effortless. I realize that I wish to control all my interactions the way i want them to be, and that’s guaranteed to make me feel left out. All roads lead back me, to my growth. It is not another persons job to entertain me. It’s a two way street just like the hearing earlier in the week. I got the results that I wanted because I got guidance and also because I put in the work.

That’s what growing up is about: rather than wishing for how life needs to be, it’s about putting in the effort. But it’s also acceptance. Sometimes, you are part of something that brings someone else joy, and if they are your loved one then that’s all that matters. It’s what allows you to grow closer to them, sharing time with them doing the things that they like to do even when you don’t because they do the same.

And so I keep learning to grow, to focus on letting go on how it should be and soak in on what it is.

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