Brownness

Judgmental

I pride myself on my passion for doing different things, for representing others who need my support, for trying to do right thing, but one of my worst traits is the constant stream of judgment in my head. It works to push me for my own goals, but where it doesn’t serve me is when I point it at people and let loose. This past week that happened and not only did I damage a good business relationship, it was based on my own misunderstanding of the facts and growing resentment at things out of my control.

Looking out for others is a positive attribute, but when it curdles into want them or actions to be the exactly how I wish them to, it diminishes me as a person. It subtracts my contribution, and what should have been a momentary lapse from turned into a prolonged outburst which supported no one, least of all, me.

It hit me that I still have a ways to go, and the realization only came to as i listened to the Joe Rogan’s podcast episode with Sadhguru who stated that it is our reaction to things, and people that brings either joy or pain. It is not their words, but how we let them in. His words hit me dead on, more so, because the words weren’t even that bad, but I took it to another level that dimmed my standing with some people.

I get to work on that, and while i managed to apologize after twenty-four hours, I know there is a lot more work to be done. Even at fifty, acting like a two year old is not a good look. It can be great when amongst friends and being silly, but when wielded as a weapon, it just cuts me short and makes not a pleasant person to be around. I need to be better. I will be better.

To those hurt by me, I sincerely apologize, and I hope at some point, my actions make up for my thoughtless behavior.

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