Brownness

Fear

This weekend I lost to fear, but luckily I did not do as much damage as I could have, but what little I did shows me I still have a of work to do. I won’t get into details because it would show me to be a scared little boy, and really the point of this blog has always been about expression not gossip. This past weekend I reacted when I realized someone dear to me tested positive, and while the pandemic is an old story, it has now struck home first with other loved ones, then my heart, and then finally a parent. And fear gripped my heart in such a way that I lashed out in blame when really it is what it always has been: a pandemic.

We got too comfortable too fast, or maybe we needed to in order to survive mentally. I don’t care if I get it, but to see others close to me suffer has been truly painful. I kept my fear in check until it hit too close to home when I wondered would I lose another even though the symptoms were mild. I projected onto a barren future with no parents, to being an orphan when that was not the reality but my mind made it one.

I went into a dark future, and it hit me that others had suffered the same fears and I had said nothing just the same noncommittal “I am sorry” not taking in their fear, just being a bystander. I get it. That is our coping mechanism because if we keep feeling fear, we won’t be able to function, but it does mean that I get to me empathetic, to learn to be present, to focus on what is actually happening to going to the worst place.

I went there this weekend, and it was not a pleasant place, and so I get to keep doing the work of not leading my life with fear, to being present, to take care of loved ones not spread emotions that don’t serve them or me. To not make proclamations filled with anger, threats, and needless worry to others, sharing a weaker part of myself that does a disservice to who I am as a person.

This weeked fear won, and it probably won’t be the last, but it doesn’t mean it will win everytime. It just means I get to do the work so I get better at taking it on.

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