Brownness

On Preparation

This past friday, I got a chance to realize that preparation requires me making no assumptions, means me practicing, means me not telling myself I am ready when I am unable to state things with confidence in a new setting to a stranger. It hit me that I was gave myself a pat on the back too soon, the little nervousness had appeared too late and did me a bit of damage, and so now I get to learn, be sure not to repeat the same mistakes.

The old me would just keep beating myself on mistakes or things not done, but now I am eager to take it all in, to learn, to grown, to know what to expect, to see myself with compassion instead of derision but also with clarity so I am not giving myself free passes. There is no point in doing difficult or new things if I don’t grow from them, don’t add things to my knowledge base, don’t repeat them, or get to know myself better in a similar situation.

I still tend to talk fast when nervous or unsure. I still try to rush through things, afraid of being challenged, or getting hamstrung when I am challenged. So I continue to push myself into uncomfortable things because that is the only way I see myself clearly instead of convincing myself that everything will work out. Because sometimes they don’t and I get to learn to be prepared to either fail or succeed, but at the end of the day, preparation matters. It always has, but how I define it has changed.

Happy Monday.

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