Today is the anniversary of my aunt passing, and I can’t help feeling that it’s not coincidence since Papa and her were buddies. Anytime he went for any errands, he took her with him. Besides my mom, she probably spent the most amount of time with him. I like to think they are up there together just hanging out and doing the things that they enjoyed most. They know they were loved deeply. I am truly grateful for the time I did have with them, and although I regret not taking the time to spend even more, I know they loved me anyway.
Death is a strange thing as life moves on and people that you think you will see for a long sometimes disappear, but life and people keep plugging away and although they are not here for the daily portion, the hurt and the remembrance remains for me and others in my family. It may seem that we have grieved and gotten over it, but really it has become a private pain because really how long can you bemoan it publicly before people tune you out.
And so the grief goes inwards and occasions like Father days and death anniversary become milestones for how long they have been gone. It’s hard to believe 4 years have passed for my aunt and 5 for my dad, and I still cannot help thinking about them in the early morning quiet when its just me and my thoughts and feelings. In the busyness of life, its easy to want to ignore death, easy to not want to miss them, to think about the many moments we shared, the many moments we could or should have shared. The guilt, grief and gratitude all mere into this realization of how lucky I truly was, and how much they supported my in growth.
I am glad I had the chance to show them some of that growth, but I oh so wish they were still here because they were so full of life, possibility and belief in us. But that’s not to be, but it doesn’t mean I don’t to honor and thank them for the time they did give us. Happy Fathers Day Papa. Miss you Baby Masi.
Sanjay Sabarwal's Blog 