Brownness

Struggle

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I often struggle with being far too judgmental about situations and people and things I get to experience on a daily basis. Far too often, I am quick to notice people and events happening not to my liking. I still cannot bring myself to recognize that the only thing I can do control are my reactions, thoughts and emotions. I begin anew each time I steep myself in thinking how others should behave.

What it does come down is mostly hurt of being excluded or not considered. I realize that often times I give way more weight to things that in the long run don’t serve me. I also see a bit of cowardice in myself for not sharing with those around me what’s coming up for me. It’s as if I rather enjoy the stewing rather than just letting out what’s bothering me about the person or event.

I struggle because I don’t quite know how to handle things when they don’t go according to plan. I struggle when others are inconsiderate, overwhelming or selfist. I struggle when I feel forced to engage with people I don’t have much in common with. Yet I also know that I am blessed to have so many around me. That I can pick and choose who to be around. That I can always change my response to things.

Yet I also realize that when judgment flares up or I feel taken for granted, I have a choice to either let it go, clear with the person or just allow it to ruin the moment. Like I said, I don’t always succeed, but I do see that there are some I can clear with, tell them what’s coming up for me or if that is too confrontational, then I get to change how I feel about it. Like I said, a struggle.

I also do feeling a reckoning coming up for me. That if I continue to struggle in this manner, I am shunting my ground. That it will prevent me from the being the best version of my life. What also feels right is the nervousness I feel when I think about clearing with the people I am affected by. From experience, I know when I am nervous or anxious about something, it is most always the path to take if I want to be a better leader.

And so I struggle, but also I see in my traits I don’t care much for me. Being negative continually or coming up with my own story of why some people treat me the way they do doesn’t serve me. So I get to work on that.

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