Brownness

Loss

One of the hardest things about getting older is the loss of loved ones. A Few days ago, the last of my dads best friend passed away from Covid. I went through the same emotions, numbness, disbelief, and the sinking feeling that my loved ones are getting older and that I can no longer pretend to not think about that reality.

It hurts. Hurts so deeply and the old me just wants to bury the pain, to not think about the dreaded possibility of others going too. Then I wonder if what I am doing is a waste of time. What will be my legacy. It’s hard not to be self-involved because necessarily involves thinking about oneself, yet it is a limiting belief. Rather than focus on what I have lost, I know I need to focus on what I have gained, to cherish the time spent, to love what I have now.

It means to give my mom, sisters and wife a tighter hug, to let my nephews, nieces how much they mean to me, to reach out to friends and let them know they matter. It sucks that a death can move me to so much action rather than life itself. I also hope the three best friends and now hanging out and having a blast reminiscing along with drinks and music. They taught me the value of life long friendship, of love not based on blood but loyalty, of living your best life with people who always have your back. To celebrate life no matter what.

It’s hard to imagine who else I will lose, and to be honest it scares me, but I also know that I can do better, to not make it about myself, and to truly enjoy the ones in my life now.

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