Brownness

On Struggling

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Each weekday I struggle to wake up at 5am. More often than not I snooze immediately, but instead of going back to sleep, the weekly and daily tasks begin to sneak into my head, and thus I get up a few minutes before the alarm, and I walk down to drink water and be in gratitude. As soon as that happens, the excuses drop away and I sense the potential of the day, and begin my morning routine.

I struggle with that too. There are times I want to read longer or not write at all or perhaps just skip the journaling, but I also know that if I don’t allow myself this self-care, I will go through the day not really checking in with myself. Instead, it will be me going through one task from another and not allowing myself to feel whats going on inside.

And so I struggle, at Crossfit, at work, in my relationships, and it hits me that it will always be that way. Struggle is not a good or bad word, it just is. It is what I learn from that action that I can move forward. It is from frustration, fear, and fatigue that I can grow. If everything came easy, it means that I am not living my best life.

That’s not to say I choose unnecessary struggle. Sometimes it is important to know that I am making things more difficult than they need to be especially in the area of relationships. I struggle from not always being more open or clear on my needs. I see a pattern of not making requests or seeking support and thus I can drown myself in resentment against others who have no ideas as to my state of mind.

Then there is also my struggle to have things be a certain way. It is what causes a lot of my suffering. I realize that until I get to accept things to be the way we are, I will not only needlessly struggle, but I will also continue suffering more than I need to. So there is good struggle and there is bad struggle, but those are the values that I am placing on it. Maybe it’s the other way around or maybe all of it is who I am, and what I need to do in order to be a better version of myself.

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