Brownness

17 & 4

This week I hit the milestone of 17 miles, the most I have ever run, and yet I couldn’t help feeling let down. After  4 hours of nonstop running, the best I could do was 17?!  That’s the problem sometimes with motivation and self-talk. I can overlook how far I have come and get caught up how far I have to go. With each mile that I got done, as I walked the one minute after, I kept thinking that oh crap I will be lucky if I finish the LA marathon in 6 hours (which is now only 4 weeks away.) And it was easy to forget this was a bucket list item.  It doesn’t matter what time I do it in. The goal is to finish,

Now a month away, the LA Marathon seems so close by, and I wonder if I am ready. If my just running outside, doing crossfit, doing recovery and resting my body will matter when I hit the course for the first time. Already, I am worried about getting there on time, and what will I do if the course ends up being more difficult than I imagined.

On and on the thoughts pore on as I ran, and part of me felt despair until it hit me that at 48 I was doing things that my 18 year old self would have never dared. I am pushing my body to do things that I didn’t think possible, and instead of worrying about the race, I needed to prepare as best as I could, and then enjoy it. I have heard that from so many runners, but old habits die hard.

Yet the playlist moves me, the feet keep going, mile after mile, and I know at the end of the day no matter what happens March 8, I have already won over the old Sanjay. And at the end, that’s all that mattered anyway.

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