It’s only when I change something drastically that I begin to notice to things that I used to take for granted. Things that were part of my daily routine fall by the wayside when there are a new set of things to deal with. It can be upsetting, disorienting and makes me want to go back to the status quo. Yet I also know if I am always comfortable, always know what to expect, always can count on people, things, events and my environment, I am not growing. But I still have to say, change sometimes sucks. But it must in order for me to be a new version. Letting go of the old me takes getting used to, but it is also what got me to do crossfit, go into private practice, attempt to run a marathon, volunteer, mentor others, move to a new place.
Each time, there was a fear that change was just too hard, too much, too many things needed to be done in this new environment, but that is the way to be a new person. Massive change requires massive discomfort. I have to admit that there are so many times not change feels more appealing, warmer and the cocoon of knowing what to expect allows me to get sharper at things I am practicing. But I also know that I can use that as an excuse to not disrupt my life sometimes. Change for change’s sake used to mean boredom or me avoiding/denying.
But I cannot forget that I survived a stroke and brain surgery, and that I am less family members, and all that just pushes me to be a better version of me. I cannot forget that yes its nice to be able to count on a regulated life, but I also know that regret would drive me crazy if I did not keep pushing myself. I know my father and aunt always assumed the best in me, and each day I live is a blessing that I cannot take for granted. So I push. I change. I get uncomfortable. But I change. And at the end, that’s all that matters.