Alone and Ornery

The past few weeks have not been easy, but worst of all, they have made me feel the most alone in a long time. It’s hard to explain how much fortitude it takes not to snap or be judgemental, yet I still manage to do it. Each morning, it feels pointless to do the things that I am doing to get a grip on my life and my feelings. Yet I do them on faith alone. It’s been hard to wake up to do my morning routine. Hard to do all the things I do to keep myself grounded and calm as things and people change in my life. It’s been a struggle not to react to ever-changing aspects of my life, but most of all, it’s been hard not to miss my dad and aunt.

I want it to get easier. I almost wish time would heal, but there are days the wound is as raw as the first day, and I break down at strange times.  Heading to the gym while listening to Rocky 4, or heading to do errands and suddenly choking up. It still surprises me how deeply it hurts. And then there are interactions with others where I vehemently disagree with their reasoning yet I still do as I am requested. And it takes me down a deeper rabbit hole of pain.

And finally, it’s just dealing with people because you love others and want to make them happy, but being around their friends or significant others just makes me feel alone and ornery. I do it reluctantly, but I also wonder at what cost to my heart and soul. So I withdraw, get quieter, lose myself in my routines. but it just hurts.

It hurts deep, and it hurts hard, and makes me feel alone and ornery.

I