I sit here, looking at this blank screen, and for a while, my mind and the screen have blankness in common. Finally, the fingers move to talk about the blankness which makes no sense because it’s hard to come up with words. That’s the same with Death. It is so final, irrevocable, and the ones who are left behind to make sense of it. But what do I do with the constant heartache? I know I cannot stop living, yet each moment is now tinged with a sadness that many cannot relate to. Does death become the end and be all of me? No, but it is a part of me, and for myself it is finding ways to keep going.
I know Death is inevitable, but when it is sudden and back to back, so much of one’s life loses meaning. It is a stark reminder of how mundane your thoughts and emotions become because are continually about the same things and persons. So many lost conversations, so much left unsaid, the ones gone would not like this. Would actively discourage. However, I still walk around in a fog, going about my day with a lead heart. The ones closest aware of the pain, but unable to share it because they have their own burdens to carry.
So I pass the day alone in thoughts and pain.Wishing for yet one more day, one more chance to do it differently knowing I cannot. Regret now also a part of me. I get up, I move, I do my tasks. I engage, I laugh, I work out, I go to work, each action I perform as if life has continued yet I am fundamentally different now. There is a blankness inside me which I have no words for, but is now a part of me.