Brownness

Drowning

imagesIt has been a surreal week as I visit my studios, miss the wife, accept the Spartan race is this coming Saturday and get my butt kicked at crossfit. Why surreal? Because I still feel I am not doing enough. I am not present. I am all over the place. I am not writing. I am not being a good husband, friend, brother, son. The list goes on and on. And for a moment, I felt as if I am drowning, and then I take a breath. I start my days with meditation and ground myself.

I am enough. I will make mistakes. I am not perfect. I cannot control life. I will let people down. I am not defined by my past. Only the present matters.

Each step I take is one towards betterment. Each moment an opportunity to learn. Mistakes are lessons. It is easier to beat myself up then take credit for things. This week, I also decided to not take up a volunteer opportunity because I keep distracting myself. What I get to do is simplify. I get to be there for the ones that matter especially my partner. I get to be present. I get to stop avoiding. I see now that too often I am quick to jump on things and even though noble, they allow me distractions rather than me facing the difficult things in life. I also need to stop enabling, stop the toxicity. I get to take responsibility.  I get to not drown.

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