Yesterday, I texted two friends of mine and told then they were over posting on Facebook. I mentioned that I had 87 notifications about Gaza and their random thoughts. I tried to do it in a funny way, but instead I managed to hurt both their feelings. It hit me that if their posting bothered me so much that I could limit their profiles. But instead I chose to be confrontational where no conflict existed. It was inside my head. I chose to make their alleged actions my focus when in reality it is none of my business what or how they do things. In fact, I didn’t even have to go on Facebook if I was going to take things this personal. While I immediately apologized, the guilt of saying anything stayed with me a long time.
Part of my meditation practice is the focus I place on letting go. Obviously, I don’t aways succeed, but I have learned to be self-compassionate and forgive myself. Intentions aside, there is so much time and energy we use berating and punishing ourselves. My friends almost immediately forgave me, but I didn’t forgive myself for hours on end. It’s really because I don’t like how I am sometimes. There is a burning desire to be the best who I can and have been in the past. Yet that’s not always possible. My intention has always been to do good, but my words and actions get in the way.
There are so many things burning inside me. Meditation calms me down. In those 15 minutes, I am grateful for all that I have. I thank as many people as I can. And then I send compassion to others. It’s not always easy, but I know it’s really more for me. When we show kindness to others, we become kind ourselves.