I love walking Bella in the mornings. It’s probably the only time of the day when I let my mind fully wander. Some days, I process what I watched the night before, but more often than not, I reflect on the missed opportunities I had to be better. I rewind conversations, moments and interactions with people and I wished I had done them differently. This is not to say my response was bad, but that it could be better. I imagine saying better things, going one step further, not being lazy, etc. I cringe at my inability to remember to stay present. Try it.
Being present is one of the hardest things in the world. I am either in the past or wondering about the future. It’s what causes me to be on auto-pilot. Where I respond automatically without thinking. But when I do remember, my brain steals the part of the soul for writing. Each word I write is based on what I experienced in some ways. And it’s scary. How much of my soul can I carve out before I completely hollow out? Yes, I love the morning air, the passing conversations, the neighbor’s dog running around in a frenzied circle as it sees Bella (not sure how it doesnt get dizzy), and I think of missed opportunities while all the while trying to be present.
I do wonder if I making my life harder than it is but then remind myself it’s not about me. What I give is what I will get. So I take a deep breath and promise to make better use of those missed opportunities.