Brownness

Awake But Sleeping And Still Dreaming

This month’s Zen Habit of waking early has so far been a disaster. I am actually waking up LATER than my normal time, and it hit me that I am putting too much pressure on myself to wake up because I want to exercise, meditate, write, read, lean spanish and do Lumosity and then get to work and then at night do something cool with my wife as well as perhaps cook a nice meal. So the first two days of the past weeks, I was able to do most of the tasks, but then life happened and then next thing I knew work became crazy, and then I volunteered to submit a story. I kept adding when in reality I should have been subtracting. I felt overwhelmed for the past few days until Fathers Day and my niece’s graduation from UCLA made me realize that sometimes watching that little girl who grew up into front of you turn into an adult has more meaning than any other habit.  The structure is really just that, a framework, but it’s not the backbone. And so I let go of the anxiety, let go of the worry for the things I wanted to get done, and just was.

I struggle everyday with not getting caught up in the structure of my day, but what it actually contains. Each day, I look forward to holding my wife and just being, yet my OCD-like tendency to get everything done makes that difficult a lot of the times.  I have to remind myself that the habits are to help me realize my dreams, but they are not my dreams. Ultimately, I am reaching for the same thing all of us are which is happiness. And then I have to remind myself once again that it is not a destination but a journey. Watching my wife sleep, my niece graduate and hugging my dad Happy Fathers day meant just being.

And you know what, that was more than good enough. I was awake and present.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s