Lately, I have been on auto-pilot for a lot of things. From drowning in noise on Facebook, to not reaching out to my real friends. I have let others and other things determine my days. I have let too many things to lead me rather than me grabbing life by its throat, and getting things done. This year has started out rough. A few days after my 41st birthday, I suffered a relatively serious illness due to my condition. I have Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome conveniently called APS syndrome (what is it with doctors and their long ass disease names?!). Simply, I have an auto immune disease where my blood thickens and creates clots. It was discovered several years back when I woke and could not talk out of the side of my mouth, and drove myself to my primary who immediately saw the signs of a stroke (surprise, now I am a stroke survivor! Who would have thunk it!), and admitted me into the hospital. So I am sick.
Now I have had two choices. I could either roll around and moan that I am sick, or I could keep moving. Anyone that knows me knows what I picked up. Yet, it hasn’t been easy. I cannot take my days for granted anymore. It is something that I have to remind myself that although I look and mostly feel 100%, I am not. That’s hard to take for me. Each morning, I have to wake up and be reminded that I have to work towards being well. Not just physically, but in my thoughts and actions. There is too much I have allowed to build up. Too many thoughts and feelings towards people and myself that I have left unsaid.
Yet, it is not easy starting over. In fact, it sucks. I hate the fact that I cannot work out or that I tire easily after 6 to 8 hours. I hate that I have to parcel out myself to others because I have a nasty habit of blowing up at inconvenient times. I have to relearn a lot of things. The main thing I have to work on is the word “I.” I am constantly struggling between just focusing on my pain and being there for others. I have failed many recently because I have been too caught up with myself. The word “I” rules my world and while some days it is justified, it does not make it OK to NOT see others and their pain. I know I am better than that. I have to be better than that because there is no point in life if you cannot contribute to others. So each day starts with a TO-DO list. A list of things I need to do, and be. A list of reminders that there is more to the world than just me.
So each day starts with the reminder that I am sick. But each day also starts with “I can be better.” I will be better. There is no middle ground.
- New Clots in Spite of Being on Warfarin – “Warfarin Failure” (patientblog.clotconnect.org)
- Warfarin Failure (professionalsblog.clotconnect.org)