I am writing blind the words invisible to me for some reason so that each word I have to second guess as to what I am really writing. It kinda feels like the recent arguments I have had and while I am yelling, nothing is being heard by the other side as if I am on mute. In a matter of minutes, I have undone all the work I had put into breathing, acknowledgement and letting go. It’s as if I cannot let go of anything. This last argument being the worst and the epitome of how much further I really have to. Actually, let’s be honest, I have to start over. I am man enough to admit when I am of course, but what’s made worse is the damage I have already inflicted on some.
It’s killing me to have to apologize to so many in such a short time, I managed to show myself to be a complete and utter dick, when in reality I just feel alone, a fact underscored by the fact that I haven’t been able to let go of some fundamental issues surrounding some of the relationships in my life. For once, I have no answer, nowhere to go, stuck in a hole dug by my big mouth and flashy anger, wondering just wondering what the fuck happened? Where did I go so wrong, the thought that I am almost 40 ringing in my head, and so much to get done but instead sitting alone utterly feeling alone, barely able to breathe out the unfairness of it all. Where did it all go wrong?
So I take stock today (alone as usual), muster up the strength to dust off The Life Guide and The Road Less Travelled, and resign myself to the fact that I have to reboot. I have not forgotten Pema Chodron but I am a bit ashamed as to how quickly I forgot her clear lessons. So yes, that book also gets a re-read as I re-assess myself and try to figure out how to get myself out of this mess. I cannot help be better and angry at myself as well at life that I have to start over again, but I am determined.
Determined to learn spanish, determined to be in the best shape of my life, determined to contribute at work, determined to be a better husband, and most of determined to not let it all overwhelm me in a tsunami of emotion. I will be better because I know I can be. I also now realize there are some threads from my past and currently life that need to be dealt with if there is any real hope of chance. It’s time I faced what needs to be fixed rather than constantly blowing up at inconsequential events. \
I wish I could reboot everything that started out wrongly because now I am faced with the prospect of begging for forgiveness for feeling uncared and unloved. Ok said it all. Deep Breath. Reboot..