So admit, lately I have fallen into the trap of judging people almost instantly and what’s worse they are people who were once close to me or near me physically. I realize now that a struggle it is to remember to just breathe and start the day blank instead of being pummeled by a 100 thoughts of what I need to get done. As I read and write more, get more enjoyment from the simple moments of life, I see now that I have to make an effort to stay present, connected with what I am feeling but not be overwhelmed by it. It’s a struggle not to speak in frustration and anger. While the need to be firm is important, I easily dive into anger a bit too quickly.
Moreover, the worst is the recent gossiping I have begun to do, putting down people for minor (at least in the long run) and trivial things that did not matter to me before. Part of the problem of being in a close group that shares information is that the littlest things get transmitted instantly and the reaction even quicker. I see now that I am contributing as much to the problem as others, and the only I can hold responsible is myself.
Yet I ask what it is that is making me behave this way? What makes me put down some people trivial things, and others that I no longer begrudge the benefit of the doubt. I just assume that lowest common denominator about them, yet it is I who is lacking in basic civility. Now it would be easy to confront some or speak my mind to others, yet the real problem is myself. I do not know how to speak bluntly but without emotion. I somehow manage to sound irritated, petty, annoyed, all at the same time. The eloquence I think I have seems to abandon me at the crucial moments, and I see what I need to work on.
Recently, I have begun to get agitated at some for not following through for something that seems quite obvious to me in order to better their lives. But I know it’s not up to me how people choose to live their lives or make their decisions. I must remember that we each live our own moments, through our own ideals, right or wrong. All I can really do is to stop gossiping about it. I cringe as I see that word in print.
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