A beautiful morning, sun bathing the room so much so that I wonder if I have ever seen it like this before. Then it hits that the sun is lighting up what’s inside me, and I smile. And I smile some more because the external radiation and chemo are done. Gone is the not knowing, the fear, the constant ache of “will she be ok?” Don’t get me wrong, I am not looking past the fact that she has internal coming up, but Cancer cannot make us ignorant or scared anymore. The big bad wolf has turned out to be a mere shadow that we magnified in our mind.
I cannot help but soak in the sun, letting it breath into me more strength for her. The burden has gotten lighter, we are beginning to see the end of this trial, and for once can actually discuss the future rather than future appointments, can actually look forward to the weekends as a real break rather just something to give her some breathing room, can plan to run a household rather than worry if the house is poisoning her somehow.
Still, I cannot get rid of some of my hurts, while looking forward to the new joys. I miss some greatly while others with a tinge of regret wondering where it all went wrong, and others just not ready to be there for us, and that’s fine. I love them all, but I am also cautious, I know now that some were unfairly put on high pedestals and some pushed off too swiftly. So I sit here and learn while the sun continues to fuel me, make appreciate what I have and love, and I know of only one certainty and that is today. What is it that I can do today that represents, us, and our family. What is it that I can do in the next moments to just make it a little easier or fun for us. So I sit here, smile and feed hungrily off the sun waiting for inspiration, oh wait, the better word would be knowledge or perhaps just accept that it was meant to be that my car came back the same day the major part of the treatment ended.
All that time worrying just really wasted because what was meant to happen, did, and what wasn’t just resided in the endless loop of thoughts in my head. So I breathe out slowly, the worries, the fears, the not knowing, and revel in the moment, just enjoying the day, the moment, the realization that we will get through this, that we already have, that what I needed was always there, I just didn’t want to see it that way.
However, (is there always one) I know that there is much to be done, much for us to do, to travel, perhaps finally get on a plane together, but more than that for me to get back to work. That’s really the strange part, I miss it, and finally know what I am meant do there. I never thought I would say that, but looking at myself through my family’s eyes made me realize that I can be general counsel, and the fears and doubts (particularly the lact of confidence) were my own creations. I was my own hurdle. I had convinced myself that I would never learn but worse that I couldn’t learn, but the previous months of reading and writing made me realize how much I miss the law, and why I fell in love in the first place I also know what kind of lawyer I cant stand, and there are many attorneys who exploit California law to just make money for themselves while claiming to be consumer attorneys. I no longer will let my ignorance be the reason, my business suffers. No more. It’s time to discard the uniform of “I don’t know” and don on “I will get back to you on this.”
Funny, what a few months of cancer can do to you. Instead of sapping us of our energy and will, it has renewed it. So thank you cancer, for making me realize what is truly important. I owe you one but I wont ever like you, and one more thing: fuck you. Sorry, but your just really not forgivable. Besides, it’s you who gets my negative emotions or others, and I choose you. You are my big bad wolf, my enemy, my bad versus good. So deal with it. I will be celebrating when you die, and I will dance on your grave. You maybe “the emperor of all maladies” but you have no clothes.
- World Cancer Day 2011: Cancer can be prevented (psychologytoday.com)
- Is Fear the Best Way to Keep Ourselves Safe? (psychologytoday.com)