Appreciation

Yesterday, I leaned into it.  Myself that is, the minor irritations, the anxiety about not writing, the deadline to get the assignment done even half-assed. I acknowledged I was hooked, leaned into it, took 3 deep breaths, and relaxed, actually that’s not quite accurate, I actually enjoyed and appreciated everyone, the Natural warmth came out right away!  I spend an interesting hour talking to my father in law, getting to know him, another with her best friends about the day, and what they were up to, and for a while, it almost seemed like a party in the Oncology module.  We ate with her, and laughed and although Kaiser nurses especially seemed intent on kicking us out of the treatment every 5 minutes, the time we all spent together made the 5 hours go by quickly.

I could not believe how generous everyone with their time and spirit.  From someone driving from the Valley just to drive her 5 minutes, to others coming right after work, and one even skipping work to come spend time with her.  As I relaxed, I saw the true warmth and openness of others, and I was ashamed at my earlier reactions.  I leaned into that, breathed it in, recognized it for what it was: hurt at feeling alone and just plain loneliness.  I lashed out for no other reason than because it was easy to do, and I felt better temporarily.  So now I work on pausing, leaning in, taking the breathing in and just relaxing and letting go.

Thank you, Pema Chodrom, your book Taking The Leap has touched my life.

thank you all for your texts, calls, Facebook messages and prayers for her as we go through this very difficult time.  I do apologize if I hurt any of you in any way.  I hope I can fix that, and know that you are all appreciated for all that you have done and will do.

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