Today was one of those days where nothing made sense, and everyone seemed to be at blame. I was unhappy with many, and it seemed that many close to her were taking her chemotherapy for granted. I was angry, yet I knew what was driving this emotion: fear. My fear, to be precise. In my effort to control the uncontrollable, I got lost in the blame game. It seemed easier to be angry than to face the glaring truth: I am run down, overwhelmed, and just plain tired. Plus, I can no longer ignore the twinges in my throat that foretell a major cold: something she cannot absolutely not be around.
And so I fumed, angry at the world and especially annoyed by others carrying on with their day when I know no peace and neither does she. Therein lies the problem: I made my pain above hers, and just felt truly alone. Between the countless hours of worrying, and wondering what the coming day will consist of, I lost sight of the one person truly living with this. It’s easy as hell to be mad at her family for not being around, but hard to acknowledge that I am failing her in some key ways: mainly in emotional arena. It’s hard because I am not at peace anytime and unable to get to do the things I need to fulfill myself. I am drawing empty, I do not know what to do.
So I get angry, and blame and try to numb myself by borrowing an hour to go to the Hidden cafe. It’s not enough because deep down, I know I am not doing myself any favors by blowing smoke, and that the real break for me is to be around my friends and family, read and write as much as I can. I do not know how to reach out because I have been let down by a few, and due to this foolish pride of mine, I sit here alone in the other room unable to sustain my wife in any meaningful way. I see it and know that I need to be better, and can be better. I just have to step away from the ones that aggravate me, quit blaming others, be vulnerable, love myself, be kind to my soul, and love her with all my soul.
So although the day went nowhere fast, and I fight this cold, I know one truth: we are halfway through and at the end of the day, that is all that matters. I am thankful for what I have, no for what we have, and have faith that things will get better. Today ended with me realizing that I need help, and it may not come from the ones I expect. And that’s ok. Friends and people will fail and let me down, and I will too, and that’s ok. I am only human.
- Fear of Anger – Yours and Others (linusfernandes.com)