Nothing like a few words of encouragement from strangers and friends to fill one’s soul up and want to keep trying. It’s not often that I ask for anything (atleast no consciously) and then I realize how easy the people around me make my life. But it makes me wonder why I dont ask more often. It’s as if I am afraid to come off as greedy or perhaps as weak or the absolute worst: a whiner.
All of these throughts battle around my words, resulting in the a lot of the blog posts asking a lot of questions but offering very few answers. I cant blame the blog, its done its job of venting. So I can only look to myself and only find more questions. Oh, the questions. I am so sick of asking and not knowing, or wondering and not being sure, of just NOT living and breathing from one day to another.
And when I am drowning in this utterly wasteful life of mine (with a glass of black label and coke sitting along side of me), I hear my friends and family’s thoughts and encouragement for me, and although it doesnt make the night go any faster, it fills me with enough courage to ask for their wisdom.
Ofcourse, in hindsight (especially now), it looks oh so easy, but it takes a special kind of self pity for me to pick up that phone to text out that call for help. Too much time in fact. It is as if I have to feel utterly alone and lost before asking for direction.
Today, I am here, asking for help. Asking for words that make sense of my life, of my world, of my love. Today, I want no need direction, need to be pointed to the right way because right now nothing seems more wrong. I ask for love. I ask for understanding. But mostly, I ask for encouragement, that life isnt so bad, and to stop being such a whiny bitch.
Thank you in advance for your encouragement.