Myself

Lucky Sanjay

What is it about a night spent with great friends, awesome food, and a 80s style arcade game that can make one feel that life just isnt that bad?  And it isnt.  It really isnt.  Thats the thought I carried when I drove over to the gym, and then for the next 35 minutes, life just suddenly felt doable, no actually just great! 

I dontk know why it took so long for me to get into a rhythm where I just ask myself, what the hell was I so reluctant for?  Why did I wait so long to just be happy with myself?  Why did I resist going to the gym or even really just reaching out?  And for a second there, I was blank (hard to imagine, I know), but then I realized, I was afraid.  Afraid of letting down Preeti because we couldnt go the gym, afraid of admitting to friends that today just wasnt that great of a day. To even admit to myself, that I should a lot happier, I have all the toys and the money in the world.

And yet somehow, it just didnt seem like much or perhaps enough.

It hit me then that I wasnt allowing myself to feel rewarded because somewhere in the back of my mind, there was feeling I should still be paying for my past sins, my ego or a mixture of both. 

I stopped  promising and rewarding myself a long time ago.  Instead, I just wandered through a haze of alcohol, gambling, and fighting, never asking myseldf: why the hell was I doing to myself.

But friendship and love didnt give up on me.  Together, they decided that this Sanjay isnt the one that they know. 

They are right.  Thank you friends.  And ofcourse and always, Preeti.

I love you both deeply.

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