I am not sure how to begin. Not much of a surprise there, considering how much of my day I spend not know how it will end. If there is no beginning and there is no end, what am I really doing? So lately, I have taken the aimless days back and began filling them with who I really am. And I got close in these past two days. I read, I blogged, hell I even worked out. And life appeared to come into focus, but poof it skittered away as soon the light of confusion hit it.
I am sick of not k nowing. I am also sick of knowing then realizing that its false. But most of all, I am sick of wondering when my life willl be complete. But then I get a call from my nephew or niece, or a quick lick from my dog, or Preeti smiles her preciousness at me, and I wonder if I need anything more. Is there a balance between completely helpless to wanting to take over the world? Or am I just socially bipolar?
I sit in this quiet room, itching to turn on the TV, or go read, anything to make this minute go by the point where I am still single, still living alone, still without issue. I want to squeeze the annoying me out and bitch slap myself some nuts. And for that utterly small moment, I just want to NOT BE.,,
And the quiet allows me that frustration, and slowly massages back into the unsure but believer Sanjay.
Life will change. So will I. Things will get better. I will not be alone. I promise all that.
I hope someone’s listening.