Brownness

Breathing Life

It took me a minute to realize that I was living again these days.  Yea sure, I was breathing for the past 38 years but in the past few weeks, months and years, I yearned more for a life than actually living one.  My first real breath came when I met Preeti 3 years ago, but since then I have been holding my breath, impatiently waiting to create a new future. 

And then it hit me, no one is forcing me to do anything, and yes I have been acting like I will die if my life isnt exactly how I dreamt it would be.  And then a bigger hit when I realized that if I began living my days the way I saw fit, I wouldnt be dreaming anymore.  I think it was just easier to blame others or explain away my own lethargy because lets face it, living a true life is just plain hard.  Sure, I have had it easier than others in terms of family, money, perhaps even education, yet I still was waiting for someone to fire the gun and say “Go!”

Ofcourse, I feel silly now, but more than that, I realize that no one is the cause of my unhappiness except for myself, and if I really want to stop feeling sorry for myself, I need to get my chunky ass into the gym, write more, read every day, love Preeti the way she wants to be loved and be the friend, lover, brother, uncle I fancied myself to be.  It’s crazy how a 34 minute on a purported weight loss stair master can make one realize, “hey I am actually enjoying this” even though can I feel my tummy jiggle (not too much though, I promise. I am not THAT fat, not yet anyway).

And so breathing I shall do, and you know what, it actually feels good.  Now, if I just can stick to breathing regularly and living my life NOW.

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