Brownness

Dumbness

I never thought my life would be as settled and unsettled as it is right at this moment.  While I have always used to having contradictions in my life, they were usually times that I could easily predict. 

Yes the only thing predicable thing now is the feeling that I dont know what the hell I am doing or what the hell is going on.  But then I pause (as usual) and I realize the frustration isnt just about myself or my life, its the interactions I continue with people who really arent all that bright.  In the process of slowing down for them, I have dumbed myself down and thats quite disappointing to me.

I am not satisfied with the life I have sometimes because its not at a standard that can fulfil or that can motivate me to move along in this world.  When I look back, I realize that in my eagerness to please the ones close to me in my life or even perfect strangers, I have lost a little bit of who I am due to plain carelessness.  I didnt care for myself, and instead of indulged others. 

Maybe nothing will change more than my immediate sense of the world or even my habits.  Yet, I wonder if I have given up on who I really am?

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