Brownness

Sometimes

Its best to see yourself as others do, but the danger in that is that you can become less of who you are really are.  Thats been my challenge for a while.  I try so hard to indulge others and be who they think I should be, that I lost sight of who I really am. 

If that first sentence confused you then welcome to my life.  I am not blaming anyone nor am I trying to explain away my flaws.  It’s just that lately, I have given up more than my normal self, and I am beginning to feel a little empty.  Time was, I gave and, in return I received something, but nowadays I just strip my soul a bit at a time in return for a moments peace.  And not even a quiet peace but one fraught with anxiety and sinking feeling that another rough moment is around the corner.

Where did I go wrong? I often wonder, and it comes to me that its the little things I gave up or didnt challenge that now seem like overwhelming barriers to overcome.  So its my fault, really.  But somehow that answer doesnt relieve any pressure or give me any clarity.  Instead, I am looking across a chasm of my former self, and I am filled with regret. 

And I have no one to blame but myself.  Each new day I begin wondering about others is one less day I dont think about myself.  And in many ways, that saddens me tremendously.  Will the real Sanjay please stand up?

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