Brownness

Eh

Sometimes, those 2 letters can describe my emotions better than a 100 page blog.  In that word is contained days of wondering if the decisions and actions in my life really amount to nothing more than passing time while pretending to have made progress.  More and more, it feels that being silent perhaps really is the best solution rather than try to explain what I would like my life to be.  Its sad really, someone who has at his disposal many words, can only grunt out a word syllable.  

Or maybe I have it all wrong, perhaps instead of constantly putting down letters, I start acting.  But how do I begin?  Or I just do and worry about the consequences later?  Or maybe I have been doing just that, and really just sitting on the stool of life, and not really going anywhere.  I could be just living a cartoon like moment, and being watched and the urge to just have someone tell me what to do is overwhelming.  But who would Sanjay really be?  Who is Sanjay anyway?  And am I the Sanjay who feels the way he does or am I the one that is formed through my actions?  Each day, the question comes up in one way or another, and its getting harder to answer.  The fake answer is I dont know, but the real me knows that as much as I want to blame others for my misery or happiness, it really comes down to the right actions.  What those are, I am still in the process of figuring, or maybe I will never figure it out.  

But dammit, it gives me a goal, and for now thats worth more than anything.  And one more thing, life is EH…

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